Hanging out in the Kingdom... Reflections on [BEing] Called

It's been a while... [Be forewarned, this will be long]

I have not given myself much space to process "what's really going on."

Since July, life has been such a whirlwind. A whirlwind of answered prayer. A whirlwind of transition into new things. A whirlwind brought on by over eight months of waiting... eight months of significant questioning... eight months of living in what my dear friend, Stephanie Nance, would call the "thickness of time"... eight months of embracing the Mystery of God.

In June of 2011, I moved from my home state of Kentucky to Springfield, MO- a town that I never planned to live in. I came here with plans. Plans to become, plans to overcome, plans to come into my own. And yet, by November, everything that brought me to town... came to an abrupt halt. I lost my job. I decided not to continue my seminary journey. The only thing keeping me in this little town was the Holy Spirit and a deep heart commitment to a community of young adults. I was bound to seeing God move within this community... Over the following eight months, it has been this community that God has used to surround me... to comfort me and to shape me. I have held tightly to the conviction that I am part of something beyond myself...

On the first of July (2012), I moved into a new apartment with a new roommate. On the last day of July, I began a new job. The third week of August I began graduate studies. The first week of September our community went from one service to two...and then two weeks after that, we went to three!! ALL of these events were fantastic! However, that is a LOT of change in two months.

Let's just say, I have been feeling a little overwhelmed. And, the one thing I love most...investing in people... has suffered the greatest. Sad day. I have actually felt like becoming a hermit. Crowds have become something I literally ... dread. Sincerely sad day!

Balance. Haha. It has always been elusive to me... but right now, I keep striving to find some way to achieve something close to it.

Last week, I realized something saddening. I am working a job... so that I can go to school to become trained in something I already love to do (Write)...so that I can afford to... are you ready for this ... Serve in ministry!! Tadah!

I hate the expression LOL-laugh out loud- how often do people actually laugh out loud when they type that? But, just now...I did laugh out loud... it was not a happy laugh. No, it was a little cynical. This is a cycle... a familiar merry-go-round of discontent.

What's funny... the most satisfying seasons of my life have been when I am barely making any money...when I barely have any time to just "BE"... Abnormal times. Times when my world is UP-side Down. During those times, my main focus was simply being sold out to BUILDING God's Kingdom...

I am SO incredibly grateful for what God has given me in this season. I am grateful for a job...not just a paycheck, but a job serving in an organization whose focus is restoring lives... BIG plus! I am grateful for the opportunity to study... I love learning new things!! I am grateful to have a cute, cozy little apartment... and money to buy food and cook for others. I am grateful for friends who love me and care about me. I am grateful for a family that loves me beyond my oddities and quirks... I am grateful for normalcy. After all, that IS what I've been wanting...right?

There is nothing wrong with the normal things of life. Really, actually, I think there is something wrong with me. Why do I always find myself here...longing for this elusive state of having normalcy & yet being sold out, actively BUILDING God's Kingdom? I'm not really sure what that means

The other day... I was reminded of another season in my life. During this season, I became angst (big surprise)... my feet began to itch... my heart ached to "be where the people are.." (go ahead, sing the Little Mermaid song... you know you want to :-) I just did!) The angst arises out of this sense that I'm not DOING what I'm called to do... this feeling that I'm just "hanging out in the Kingdom." I don't want to become too comfortable. I'm afraid of developing a lazy, welfar-ish, sense of entitlement. Reveling in God's favor...and squandering it... when there are people dying.... without ever knowing about Jesus, let alone, knowing Him!

What am I doing with Jesus? There is this fear that I am like that servant who took his one talent and went and buried it. And when the Master returned, he had nothing to show for his wealth, except that which he had been given.

Over the past six years, I have wrestled with what it means to be "called." When I was ten, I heard God speak my name... I felt Him close... I heard Him ask me to follow Him and to care for His sheep. And again... over and over... throughout the years, He repeatedly reminded me of this calling.

I don't know how to describe it. It's like when your best friend asks you to do something... when you promise to take care of their child or pet... you feel a deep sense of responsibility to carefully attend to their request. (BTW, this metaphor is weak). I have always felt like I was called out...to be sent. Yet, my prayer for the past six years has been to be planted... to BE like the tree planted by the water. That is what is happening... and yet, I am discontent.

And I cannot help but wonder...is because I am called...to be sent, not planted? This is a deep and agonizing question. I do not know just how to answer it. I most often feel like a round peg in a square hole.

I was talking to a friend last night and I told her that I had always felt called to serve overseas... and the strangest things happened... she was surprised! She never knew that about me. Um, weird, because all of my life...that one thing has somehow defined me. Shortly after she left, I found myself feeling concerned. Have I forgotten who I am called to be. AM I BEING WHO I AM CALLED TO BE?

Or... am I just hanging out in the Kingdom? ? ? ?... ??? ... ???

In Honor of Dee Dee Belle

**Today marks the birthday of a very special person in my life. She has been in heaven for six years...but I wanted to share something I wrote four years ago in her memory... **

Sep 1, 2008


today is a special day...a day that always reminds me of one beautiful woman. her name, delores belle klayer west. and for those who knew and loved her best it was simply dee-dee belle born on september 1, 1927, she lived almost to eighty.
a woman i can remember from infancy...full of creativity and giggles. she loved like no one i know. she loved fiercely, and at times, to her own detriment. she was a listening ear and a comforting hug. she looked into your eyes and saw who you were destined to be rather than who you were at the moment. she was my nanny...my grandmother.

i shared so much in common with her...her love for jewlery and fun shoes. i still use some of her vocabulary, like the word snazzy roo (only on special occasions). but she loved to dance...loved music...and she loved Jesus! as the years passed, her memory slowly faded but the one thing that never changed was when you mentioned the name of Jesus...her eyes would light up...her countenance would soften to that of genuine love and she would look like a young girl in love. she would rattle off scriptures and songs...
i loved chatting with her...she had a way of absorbing everything that my lips and brain could express...and then she always knew the best words of wisdom, encouragement and discernment.
i miss her today. but i know that if i could see her now, i would see her dancing with her Lover...with Jesus. she is free in the arms of her Savior...

it's been almost two years and i'm glad she's free of this world, but at times, i think of her and smile...and blink back a longing tear...one day i will sit with her again and we will expound on all of the beauty of Heaven and our Jesus!

Restoring Eden: The Saga

I am guilty of consistently misunderstanding others.
Instead, I fight to be properly understood.
I fight to be free and independent.
I fight to dominate and coerce submission.
I fight to be biblical.
I am a mess!
I am not alone in my fighting.
The fight to be understood is human condition.
In all of our fighting,
we have created a no-man’s-land.
Meanwhile, those in the trenches
on either side
sit with heads in hands,
weary and lonely.
Although we rarely admit it,
even to ourselves,
we have forgotten.
We no longer remember
that precious golden ring for which we fight.
We forget that we are actually from the same land.
We are people not altogether different from the legendary Narnians.
We are colorful. We come in all shapes and sizes.
We speak different languages. We have varying traditions.
We are male. We are female.
We are human.
We fight for the same thing.
We fight for peace.
We fight so that we can live united.
We fight to restore Eden.

Yet, in the no-man’s-land of misperception,
Drenched in irony,
exists a seldom acknowledged truth:
The battle for Restored Eden has already been won!
Our need to be understood, to be enough, to be complete, our need to BE at rest, caused
the UnLimited One to limit Himself.
Our need for restored intimacy caused
Him to come nearer to humanity than even we, ourselves, are willing to come.
He made Himself fully present to the human experience.

He was born. He grew.
He laughed. He wept.
He breathed. He slept.
He understood.
He died.
But, in His death,
He accomplished what we could not…
He bridged the gap our selfishness and lack of trust created.
In His death, He lives and we also can live.

Jesus...
Restored Eden.
He made a way for God and man
to dwell in trust again.
He reunited long-separated children to their Father.
He opened blind eyes and unlocked deaf ears so that
men and women would no longer fear Him…
nor should they fear one another.
Restored Eden is eternal life.
While heaven awaits,
His Kingdom is
living in the no-man’s-land…
being understood in light of His sacrifice.

All of this said, we,
sons and daughters of
the Living, UnLimited, UnCreated God,
continue to dwell in the gray trenches of
“my worldview” versus “your worldview.”
We long to play together in the space that lies between us,
but we fear.
We fear because
we fail to remember…
Perfect Love drives away all fear.

We have been re-created.
We are new.
We are not our stories.
No, our stories are but stylistic embellishment,
badges nonchalantly proclaiming,
“I am HIS!”
Our journeys are only pathways
navigating us toward Restored Eden.

In Eden, we trust.
We live in confidence,
not in ourselves but in the One who has restored us.
In Eden, we are defined by what He is doing through us,
rather than what we have done to ourselves.
Every day, we have the choice.
Live in the trenches or…
Dwell in the “no-man’s-land” of restored trust

…the place where being understood flows out of being known…

…the place where being whole trumps being understood…

“Therefore, I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowances for each other’s faults because of your love. Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace. For there is one body and one Spirit, just as you have been called to one glorious hope for the future. ” Ephesians 4:1-4

Embracing Mutual Submission: A Study in Humility

This week I have been following Rachel Held Evans’ synchro-blog event, One In Christ, a celebration of Mutuality. There have been  so many excellent blogs from RHE, as well as other fellow egalitarians who decided it was time to speak up about why mutuality is so great. So far, I have only reveled in their insights and shared them with all of my followers. Now, I am ready to share my own reflections… This is first post of two I intend to share is an adapted version of a paper I wrote for a course on Gender & Culture that I took with missiologist Anita Koeshall at the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary.

Embracing Mutual Submission: A Study in Humility

A hush falls over the crowd as the lights dim and the spotlight draws all eyes to two people in the center of the rink. The action begins with the first note of the song, two individuals seamlessly emerge as one unit; gliding over the ice, side-by-side, hand-in hand, spinning and mirroring one another. They dare gravity as they leap in unison and, occasionally, he will lift her high into the air, still gliding upon the ice as one. Couples figure skating fascinates me. There is something invigorating about watching two people work as a team to perform daring feats that appear effortless. Yet, it takes great strength, skill and team work to pull off such a performance.


The movie The Cutting Edge depicts the story of two very strong-willed, independent athletes, a male hockey player and a female figure skater, both disillusioned with their previous careers, coming together as a figure skating pair. Competitiveness and love of the ice are the only things the duo share in common. Throughout the movie, they take turns one-upping each other, always followed by a spray of ice in the face and the one liner, “Toe-pick.” However, they eventually realize they must let go of their own pride in order to win as a team. Slowly and painfully, the pair builds trust, which proves to be the key to winning.

This movie embodies my own struggle and competitive approach to male/female relationships. Having been raised in an ever-increasing individualistic and feminist culture, I wrestle with being second, especially to men. In fact, my initial question began as, “Do all women have to submit to all men?” Being certain of the answer, I set out to prove that men and women are equal and that Christ calls us to mutual submission, even in marriage. However, a deeper question emerged in process, “What does mutual submission look like within covenant community?”

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul says, “And further, submit yourselves to one another in reverence for Christ” (5:21). The verses that follow make practical application of this verse within a marriage context, as well as other relationships, such as, parent to child and master to slave. For many years, mutual submission has been my license to be an independent individual, to compete with men and to prove that we have to submit to one another. My cultural and personal bias has been keeping me from the heart of Paul’s message.

Ephesians 5:1-2 says, “Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us…” Before anyone submits to anyone, Christians are called to imitate God and follow the example of Christ. Submission begins with studying Christ, not ourselves.

Philippians chapter two defines the attitude of Christ, “though he was God, he did not think of equality with God as something to cling to….he humbled himself in obedience to God…”

M. Sydney Park, makes several observations regarding Christ’s submission as described in this passage. He debunks the “notion that submission is defined only by obedience…” Park agrees that obedience is part of Christ’s submission, but it actually “begins with Christ’s equality with God and is exemplified through forsaking his rights, status and privilege of being equal with God.” According to Park, submission is “not borne out of or for oppression-rather it is embraced voluntarily.” Finally, he concludes Christ's submission is "the willingness to give primacy to the concerns of another over and above his own legitimate rights, even at the risk of humiliation, suffering and death” (123-124).

As Christ’s example reveals, true submission can only take place from a stance of equality. Ephesians 5 levels the gender playing field. Paul elevates the status of women with his command to submit to one another. Payne drives this point home when he writes, “Paul does not limit any of these [“one another” commands] to only one gender. If only one party does all the submitting, it is not mutual but hierarchical. The bidirectional nature of mutual submission presupposes the equal standing of the persons submitting to each other” (71). Humility is often defined as embracing a proper understanding of self...recognizing and walking within the limitations of our strengths and weaknesses, being careful to empower others to do the same. Jesus sets a standard, illustrating the deference of one’s rights for the sake of another. His motivation flows from a desire to bring glory to God and to reconcile God and humanity. 

Submission starts with an attitude of humility.

There is a series of passages throughout the New Testament often referred to as the “one another” commands (Eph. 5:18-21; 1 John 4:13, 16; Gal. 5:13; Rom. 12:10; Eph. 4:2). Each “one another” statement can be linked with Paul’s familiar command to “Be filled with the Spirit.” The Holy Spirit enables us to walk in submission to each other... to “Serve one another,” “Honor one another…” “Be gentle and patient with one another…”
The direct fruit of mutual submission is unity, not competition. Submission is a bold choice to set aside one’s rights for the sake of something greater: unity. Phillip B. Payne defines submission as “voluntary yielding in love” (281).  Using a quote from Tertullian’s book to his wife, Payne reveals the perspective of the Church father specifically regarding submission between a husband and a wife:

“What a union of two believers—one hope, one vow, one discipline and one worship! They are brother and sister, two fellow servants, one spirit and one flesh… They pray together, fast together, instruct, exhort, and support each other” (281-283).

In reference to the original Greek word used in Ephesians 5, Gerald Sittser writes that “it combines two words, one that could be translated ‘under’ and the other ‘order.’ … it implies that we choose to order our lives under the circumstances, relationships and roles in which we find ourselves.”

Sittser underscores the radical nature of Paul’s call to mutual submission. He points out that Paul gives this command to each individual in the Body, rather than a certain gender or social status. Specifically, he requires that “those who occupy dominant positions in social order be subject to their subordinates; they are to order their lives under the very people over whom they exercise authority.”

Sittser points out that “how we obey this command depends upon the particular position we occupy within the social order.” He goes on to say, “...to subject to one another implies that we acknowledge the necessity of social order, accept our place within it, and transform the social order through the power of radical obedience and sacrificial love” (42-43).

There is truth in the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words.” I recently had the privilege to interact with a precious couple who serve in a Muslim country. Due to the senstive nature of their work, we will call them John and Jane. As I listened to their stories, I kept hearing the Holy Spirit drive this point home. 

Mutual submission is a sign to unbelievers...revealing the power of what Jesus did on the cross. John made a shocking statement, “My wife is the key to my ministry to Muslim men.” He goes on to explain that Muslim culture expects men to be able to control their wives. Jane does her best to fulfill the role of ideal Muslim woman, to the extent that Muslim men respect John and trust their wives to Jane's care.

John and Jane work as a team, like the figure skating pair. They each submit to Christ and to each other, fulfilling the culturally expected gender roles. In so doing, their relationship proclaims the gospel. People see Jesus. Muslims may not know they are seeing Jesus but the choice this couple has made to walk in mutual submission opens the door to share. Jane says the key to her ministry has been 1 Corinthians 9. She has learned to become “all things to all men” in order to reach a culture.

I still have more questions than answers. I feel as if I barely scratched the surface. As a single person, I find myself asking what mutual submission looks like within community. It is easy to perceive submission as something only for people who are married, but Paul makes it clear that we all are to walk in submission to one another.

Submission is difficult to grasp, let alone actualize. It is a Spirit-led behavior. Submission runs contrary to ourhuman nature. As an American, I have been taught to think for myself, to be true to myself, to be proud of my accomplishments, to fight for my rights. As an American woman, I expect equality. The very idea of submitting myself to someone else involves humility. 

I now recognize that mutual submission is not a license to dominate, but a command to be humble. Mutual submission requires consistency and intentionality of heart. It starts with humility and is expressed in unity. Mutual submission, like figure skating, requires a dual commitment to working together, embracing one another’s strengths and supporting one another in weakness.

Today, I choose to embrace the call to mutual submission. Lord, give me grace to do so with humility and, in so doing, bring glory to Your Kingdom.

Trust...

Trust...
It should be a four letter word.
At times, it holds the same connotation
I have a love/hate relationship with "trust"
I love when I feel safe enough to trust
Yet, hate that most often I don't feel safe to trust

Trust...
trite. empty
meaning skewed by relativity
What does it mean?
"reliance on...
integrity,
strength,
ability,
surety
of a person or thing;
confident expectation"*

Trust...
requires
vulnerability
a certain sense of naivete
a denial of past experience
a full throttle advance into uncharted waters

Trust...
required
to live by faith-
necessary
to please God

Trust...
With all of your
heart
identity
talent
brokenness
deepest longings
unrequited love
possibilities
pipe dreams
life goals
screwed up plans

Trust...

God
a good, wise and loving
Father
not yourself,
not your circumstances,
not your status,
not your own ability to "get it right"
not others
nor their opinions of you

Trust...
with your thoughts
with your feelings
with your words
with your actions
with your investments

Trust...
By taking a step
into scary territory
By letting go
of past hurt
By choosing
to honor instead of retaliate
By understanding
rather than belittling
By being
present in weak moments
By listening
instead of speaking

Trust...
eventually
you will be
healed
fulfilled
encouraged
reconciled
you will
find the Way
eventually...

Trust...
does not lead to purpose
Trust...
equals purpose
Trust...


*http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/trust

Reflections on God's gift to Women 3.14.06

*** Allow me to preface this blog... I have been re-visiting my myspace days. It is fascinating to read my perspective from six years ago...tomorrow :-) I am working on new reflections but I was inspired by this old one... It's still my heart. Even though I'm more practical and less of a hopeless romantic these days... Enjoy!***


so i was perusing someone's myspace and read a really great post about the way of women... he inspired me to write one of my own.  i often write about being woman...but we share this world and we were given life to be partners with men.  it's time to give respect where it is due.
Man.  The first image that God formed to represent Himself, to be His faithful companion and to wrestle and rule the rest of His creation.  I find it intriguing that our God first chose to demonstrate His likeness in man.  Man is strength.  He's a source and an encouragement. He is safe although rugged and untame.  Within him lies a great God-given power, to be the foreman of the ranch to both tame wildness and unleash passion in a way that only points to a great Creator. 
Standing on a swinging bridge above a rushing waterfall and looking into eyes that say, "You aren't walking this alone.  I won't let you fall, just hold on tight," makes a woman's heart soar with energy to go the distance, to see what is beyond the next peak...  For a woman, nothing is more exhilarating than knowing that she is safe and protected even in her wildest dreams...that she will not be flying alone.
A man...free to be all that the Creator intended...is a sight to behold.  God knew this...that's why He made man.  What is beautiful is what unfolds just after creating man.  God realizes that man alone is not fully reflecting Himself...so He creates woman to bring a representation of His Beauty...His gentleness...and most importantly so that His passion for relationship and life would not be lost on Man who is lonely.  Without the mountain...the grass and the trees and the birds would be useless.  It is the combination of the two that brings the full picture.
Man without Woman...lacking.  Woman without Man...lacking.  Man and Woman without God...nothing.  God, as seen through the unity of Man and Woman, Beautiful Strength...

Thank the Creator God for the Strength and the Beauty...thank You for our partners....
 

Guarding My Heart Part 1: Questions that Defined Me

"I'm just not there right now."
To this day, those words still make me cringe. On the day those words pierced my heart -- I looked lovely, my hair curled and my makeup soft and feminine. I was wearing my Sunday pearls and I looked the part of a romantic heroine. It was Easter Sunday and I had waited all semester... invested myself fully into a deep friendship with a handsome gentleman. A man who had rearranged the landscapes of my internal future. He taught me to walk in confidence. He looked into my eyes and respected me for who I was... he was a great conversationalist... He loved other cultures and I was convinced we would go places ... together. I knew him. I was ok with his idiosyncracies and I knew it might be  a long journey, but I was ready to go the distance. For the first time in my life I was in love-- and certifiably insane. My entire world revolved around him. And it was time to verify that we were on the same page. I went to meet him and we walked and talked for a while. Finally, I worked up the nerve and told him... my feelings were stronger than friendship.  He looked at me with all the compassion he could muster and he said the words I had known all along but my heart had not allowed me to process...

"I'm just not there right now." He then preceeded to remind me that he did not plan to seriously date anyone, let alone marry until he was 27. He apologized for leading me on in any way. We talked for another five minutes, agreeing that we would still be friends... Then I excused myself, went back to my dorm and cried for the rest of the semester. I wrote him letters but never sent them. I mourned the loss... And yet, somewhere I held out hope... after all he had said "...not there...right now." I clung to them in false hope.

Needless to say, our friendship slowly and painfully unravelled into the abyss of unrequited love and after about a year of prolonged hope...I closed the door of my heart... never again would I be so stupid to love someone who doesn't love me back... I realized that I didn't even know myself anymore. I had allowed giddy passion to slowly wrap all of my identity, all of my hopes and dreams...around the existence of another. Never again.

"This is not 'Goodbye,' but it is."
After that, somewhere in my heart, I convinced myself that I was only good enough to offer friendship. I was not attractive enough. I was not talented enough. I was not thin enough. I was not, I was not, I was not. ..enough. Love was not in my future. I learned to be a good, safe friend. I learned to listen. I learned to enjoy what a man offered. I learned to offer my best and not to expect anything in return.

I soon found a friend that had been there all along. I can't say I was incapable of having romantic feelings for him. But I knew... he felt sorry for me...he appreciated me for who I was, but I was not enough to fulfiill that desire in his heart... he did not see me as a woman, but as a neutral gendered friend. I was someone who could help him grow and heal and process. I was someone who would pray for him. I would be on the other end of the phone. I would be his Sunday night dinner buddy. I would be there to encourage him and offer him wisdom when he needed it. But, that was all. That was our unspoken arrangement...and I guess it worked. Until, the first time someone asked me how long we had been married. Yes, they did. Of course, I could not tell him... he would run away...he would spook like a wild stallion and be gone... and my comfortable friendship would be gone. That was the beginning of the end... the beginning of my defending our friendship as "just a friendship."

After years of this, I finally told him. Although we were just friends, it was getting very difficult to constantly defend our friendship. I was tired. I cared deeply for him and his life, but I didn't want to keep this up. I told him that people thought we were married... And the next day, years of friendship ended in an email that began with "This is not 'goodbye,' but it is..." I did not want anything more than friendship... but I cannot tell you how painful it was to lose our friendship. I had anticipated change. And, at some level, it was a relief. But I had not anticipated the sudden jolt of loss when we were suddenly no longer friends. His friendship was different than most... and when it ended, I began to expect one thing from men... rejection.

"I do not trust you."
Years passed and I became a strong, independent woman. I had dreams, goals, purpose...a calling. I did not need a man in my life... Of course, I dreamed about marriage and children like the next woman. But, I never seriously engaged men...I hid.

Enter my third life-changing male friendship. This time was different. I was not looking, God brought him to me. It was an unexpected encounter that seemed to organically unfold into a God-friendship. This friend valued me and respected me. He protected me and loved me. God blessed us through one another's lives.  We enjoyed a give and take friendship. We saw God do some awesome things through our obedience to Him... And somewhere along the way, I began to care more for him than I wanted...more than I wanted to admit.

I truly believe this friendship was meant to only be a friendship, but it was still hard when I introduced him to his wife... :-/ Yes, I did. AND I am very glad with the outcome today!  I could not have made a better match for him...God has blessed him with a beautiful life-mate who complements and enriches his life in SO many ways... AND the difference this time... I am better friends with both of them than ever before... God reconciled that friendship... I had a choice to make to overcome my pain and to be a friend...



However, my intial reaction was not so good. I felt completely rejected...again. I withdrew SO fast... I needed to. I had let my heart hope again in a strange way... I needed to regroup. For a long time, I hurt... This time, I found myself angry with God and angry with myself -- for not guarding my heart!

It was not until recently that I realized that my friend had never rejected me. I, in fact, had rejected him. I had held him at bay...and even told him that I did not trust him. Whether or not, that had anything to do with anything is a moot point... the point is that God used it to do something deep in my life.
Above All Things Guard Your Heart for it is the Wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

Over the next year, God began to unravel my pain. He began to answer my questions. I kept asking Him why I was never good enough...for anyone!! I felt like He had led me into a trap... yes, I did... I just accused God of playing games with my heart. I asked God questions like, "Who am I?" and "Why in the world do I exist?" and "Please, tell me why you bothered to create me?!" I was someone who should know better by now...but NOTHING made sense... nothing!

I felt a two-fold response... God kept reminding me that beauty is vulnerable. At the same time, EVERYWHERE I went I would run into Proverbs 4:23.  This caused deep-seated anger in me... I hated the concept of guarding my heart!! God, how does this work? How do I be vulnerable and still guard my heart??!!

Then, He began to respond...
One day, He asked me what the word heart meant ... to me and in that passage. My first thought was Valentine's day... and mushy stuff. Then, it went to physical body... you know the vital, central organ. Finally, I looked it up. The transliterated Hebrew word is lev which is two word pictures put together. The first word picture is a shepherd's staff, which means "authority." The second word picture is the inner layout or blueprint of a nomadic tent, which means "that which resides within." When put together, the word lev is roughly translated, "the authority that resides within." (DISCLAIMER: I am not a Hebrew scholar, but this is the consensus of others' findings).

What is this "authority that resides within"?
So, at the end of that little study, I had this phrase... " the authority that resides within." It kept rolling around in my head and I was like...what does it mean? I felt the Lord say to me...your heart is your identity. Cool... so God, who am I? 

He began to speak to me about my unique identity. He, the One who had created me...
First of all, my identity begins and ends in Christ.
Jesus made a way for me to be free from my sinful nature, to BE completely His and to BE fully myself.

One day, I felt God ask me what my name was...
I was like... really?
Yes, just go with it...
Ok, my name is Rachel Michelle Leonard.
Yes. But who are you?
Ok... I just told you...
Rachel, you ARE your name...

Oh! That's great...what?! Then it began to sink in... Ever since I was a kid, I was that "uncool" kid... the oldest of three...always mothering and nurturing... the one that was teased with statements like, "Ok, Mom." I hated it!! But that day, something dawned on me...
Rachel means "Mother Lamb". 
Michelle means "Who is like God?"...it is a question and a proclamation of worship and authority. Leonard means "Lion-hearted"... I love with a fierceness...
I am created to nurture souls, to worship God and to fiercely defend and protect His people through prayer. This moment was defining for me! I suddenly felt like my clothes fit!!

I realized that I had spent my life wrapping my identity around the expectations of others...allowing others to dictate who I was.

So, how/why do I guard my heart?
Well, for a few weeks, I just had this freedom I'd never known before... but I still didn't know how/why I guard it... The why came pretty obviously... we only guard those things that we value...we don't pay someone to guard our dumpster... We guard our heart/identity because we value it.

But the deeper question in my soul was ... how do I keep this from happening again?

Then one night I had a dream. In the dream, I saw this beautiful painting... I don't even remember what it looked like... but it was magnificent. All kinds of people were standing around admiring it. But the painting was roped off and had a sign in from of it that said, "Please do NOT touch."

I began to ponder the sign. Why do you not touch an oil painting? Because the oil from your skin...and everyone else's skin...slowly deteriorates the initial work and changes the entire look of the original painting. I felt impressed that, just like the painting, I could live with my life on display for all to see...but that I was not to let others touch and change His design...

This season was transformational in my life!! I suddenly felt a sense of purpose that I had never experienced. I was free to be myself and to serve the Lord... as me :-)