reflections on the kind of woman i want to be... (feb 12 09)

esther is my favorits bc she is an example of a beautiful woman who knew where her true beauty came from! She also submitted to a long process of becoming her best for the king. she was dedicated to purity and intimacy with the Lord .Her heart was at rest. She aws strong. She faced intense controversy and she stood in the gap for the salvation of her generation and she led a people to do the same.she went boldly before the king as a woman, not a man. she sought justice and she put herself in danger in order to see it come about. she used the authority and position that God gave her for His glory and not her own. And God blessed her for it! I love the story bc she is one of my heroes.I hope to emulate her. Take another look! God dedicated an entire book on her story in His Story for a reason :-) Prov 12 4

i long for summer... (april 18, 2009)

**wow...so i woke up thinking about this blog i wrote last spring and went to read it... it was almost a year ago to the day. it's weird how life kind of repeats itself every year even though circumstances and friendships are different... and it's also so beautiful to read this prayer and see the answers from praying it last year...the cry of my heart... is to know Him and to make Him known in every season**Spring is slow in coming…winter wants to hold on…but it's inevitable, the sunshine will return, the leaves will grow back…flowers will blooms again. Soon.Just as the seasons change, I'm ready for my sunshine to come. I've spent the winter waiting…waiting…waiting. I haven't lost hope…but I'm getting weary…the sunshine must break the clouds soon. My soul longs for the nourishment of long summer days. Hiking deep into the heart of the woods, nights around the camp fire, lazy afternoons laying in the sun with a good book. Smiles and flip flops… dancing to guitars in open fields… I need the life of summer. I need to see fruit in my life…really. I need the breakthrough. I need the phone call, I need the email, I need the offer I can't refuse. I need to know I'm not running this race alone…the close, slow dance…I need the strength behind another's eyes…the warmth of stronger arms and calloused touch of worn hands. I need to know that my work is not in vain…I need to see the seeds begin to push up through the ground. I need to know that my dreams are God breathed and given and not empty and of my own making. I need to know that who I am is enough…not lacking anything. I need to rest in being beautiful…I need to believe people when they tell me that I'm beautiful.I need new life…to get unstuck…to produce. I long for children…my own…I long for disciples…I long for a home that I can keep and care for…someone to cook for…someone to rest in. I long for the comfort of knowing that the burden is not mine alone.I love what I do…when I'm not being paid…I wish I could do it for free! I love loving people who do not know what it means to be loved unconditionally. I hate when my love reaches its limits…I hate when I spend myself…and run out of strength…hoping to be renewed with summer…and still don't see the sun peaking through..I long for adventure…I long to share the journey…without fearing hurt…without fearing breaking my heart… I'm weary of being strong all the time…and not being honest when I want to…I long for summer…

tag! you're it...

when i was a little girl i used to be a fast runner, in fact the boys used to pick me for their team in first and second grade when we would play chase because i was faster than them and they could never catch me, so they figured they'd just get me on their team and i'd help them win. haha... as i got older the game of tag and chase became less and less fun because i started to hate running. that's changing again..the thing about running is that it's a discipline. in order to be good at it, you have to do it consistently...to be fast or to be able to run for long distances...you have to run every day. you have to eat right, sleep right, stretch right, and just keep running. when we stop doing the little things right and consistently, the big things like running become harder to do...and one's passion becomes nonexistent.last night, steve preached about the chase...and he was talking about God and how He will sometimes come and touch us deeply...and say "tag you're it" and we're like, hey! come back!! and so we start chasing Him.... the experience of His Presence, His Voice, His Hand...it motivates to get off our butts, out of our comfort zone...off the fence... and chase after MORE! it's when get tired of running, we stop doing the little things that keep our endurance up that makes all the difference in the chase. when we start focusing more on what others think about us, or on our tangible role/position in life, our possessions and our status... when we start looking at our place in the race...or the other runners...or we take our eyes off of Jesus for just a moment...it's over. we lose sight of our Purpose and then we get lost... soon, we just sit down on the side of the road and take a breather... we chill out and then pretty soon, we forget we were even running....and why!recently, i had a "tag you're it" experience at my desk at work...it floored me :-) i was just sitting there and all of a sudden the Presence of God was just there! all over and around me...and it just made me want more!! lately it's like He just keeps going...come on, i'm over here...keep coming...a little further...just keep running... and then i catch Him...or He tags me...and bam He's off again...beckoning me...a little further...beyond my comfort zone...over the guard rail...into the wide open spaces of His unknown....i'm removing my guard rails...look out...here i come...

real love (may 2009)

it's been said that "the one with the most power/security in a relationship is the one who loves the least." hm...so i guess that basic premise means that we shouldn't love at all...that we should hold everyone at bay and let them love us...but that we should never just dive in headfirst and go after it... that we should never truly love. BECAUSE whoever loves...will get hurt...and will be rendered powerless in the loving and be left alone in the end. well, maybe that's not what you hear when you read that saying...but that's what i hear.for so long, i've lived with that motto in the back of my mind. and yet, i always try to defy the odds. every time i dive in head first...lose myself in loving...i get hurt...and i find that no one can love me back as much as i love them. of course, i guess, it all depends on why i'm loving in the first place, am i loving people to get loved back? hmmm...essentially, yes...i'm human. that means that there really is not a selfless bone in my body...so even though i do love people and i love them truly with my whole heart...somewhere deep inside, i love them because i want them to love me back. and every time i've loved for that reason, i've lost. i've deeply loved...i've paid for the rollercoaster, i've buckled up next to people and held on for dear life... and when the ride is over...it seems like everyone gets off the ride, except me...and i just keep riding... like i can't get off the ride...my buckle is stuck... haha.but there's another saying about love...well, actually quite a few sayings, but this one in particular stands out to me..."Greater love has no man than this, than that he lay down his life for his friends." that's right...um, Jesus said that...in John 15 just before he was to be crucified :-) ouch. and He also went on to say, if you love me, you'll obey my commandments...and we've all heard it said "do as i say, not as i do." but Jesus was the only one who could say..."do as i do, not just as i say." HE DID IT! and he died for it :-) and did he gain our love???? nope. not really. i mean, He gained our gratitude, He gained our sugar daddy in the sky mentality...but sometimes i think,,,,did He gain our love? Jesus died (and rose from the dead :-) so that we could KNOW Him and LOVE Him... He got on the ride with us...He lived in a sinful world, was tempted at all points...but yet did not sin!!! how...?? who knows...but HE DID IT! and He faced the ultiimate rejection in His love... and yet He kept on loving... He still loves us in our fickle love. and He calls us to LOVE AS HE LOVED.most often, i'm like, um no...that hurts and i don't wanna. but that's what it is... if we are His disciples, we are to take up our cross and follow Him...all the way through the journey...God, give us that kind of love in our hearts...let us love unconditionally. help us live our lives without fear of rejection so that we may love as You first loved us! and give us the grace to face that rejection because You did..and you said if they did it to You, they'll do it to us. forgive us for loving only when it's convenient. forgive us for running and hiding when we should be standing firm and loving beyond our emotions. forgive me for feeling sorry for myself when everyone gets off the rollercoaster and leaves me buckled in. God, my life is not my own any longer...i was bought with a price...Your life for mine... Holy Spirit, give me the grace to love like You love...