Coming out of hiding...

I've been reading a book by Brennan Manning called, "Posers, Fakers & Wannabes"... So far (I'm not very far) I have more questions than answers. Recently, a dear friend responded to me, "welcome to seminary..." Manning talks about how we have a tendency to hide who we really are...we pretend to be something we're not...someone we wish we were ... Because we think people can't handle the "real" self. I've been saying I struggle with this for a long time and I decided to "unmask" a little bit...

Who is Rachel?
She is the oldest daughter of two very human, very passionate ministers. People who have interesting stories and who are all-around sacrificing, Jesus-loving people. Rachel was raised to love people...to love Jesus...to serve. Rachel is a lover of all things creative. She is a closet musician, not disciplined enough to play the piano publicly and not confident enough to call herself a singer. Rachel loves getting lost in good fiction, fiction that probably doesn't qualify as literature, but oh well. Rachel loves words... Any kind, any language (well, not necessarily dirty words). Rachel enjoys thinking (although she tends to OVER think everything!) ... She always thinks in metaphors and gets excited about the big picture. She day dreams of traveling... Walking through historic towns, listening to others' accented stories...basking in natural beauties: mountains, oceans, forests filled with giant trees.. Rachel has a vivid imagination. She tends to give inanimate objects personalities, voices & opinions. Rachel loves characters... Quirky people. Rachel enjoys listening and helping others understand life, love & other mysteries..especially where God is concerned. Rachel likes to try her hand at creative things like knitting, painting, cooking, decorating & pottery. She enjoys being with people (even when we just go to walmart, if we're together...I enjoy it. Rachel tends to talk a lot! She gets really excited and wants to share everything with someone willing to listen. Rachel loves taking care of people...seeing people grow, change & become. Rachel loves learning new things... Really! She likes to be right, rarely is wrong...and always tries to have the last word:-/ she hates arguing over stupid things...can't stand when people are being devalued or put down. Rachel longs for restoration of relationships & identity. Rachel loves surprises...mainly because it is so hard to surprise her. She's a hopeless romantic and she dreams of a man who will treasure her. Rachel tends to love fiercely and tends to love too much.... She tends to expect herself to be perfect, while all the while knowing, she is far from perfect. Rachel feels least comfortable with her peers ... But it seems that God keeps calling her to serve them. She tends to be extremely intimidated by leaders..to the point of ridiculousness. She avoids putting herself out there because at some level she fears being told go back to the kitchen or go get a husband and come back later... Rachel is a nurturer, a discipler...a spiritual mother. Rachel dreams of having a husband and lots of children...but shies away from anyone in whom she is truly interested...somehow believing he won't feel the same ... Rachel is a perfectionist yet a procrastinator. She's an idealist... She loves to laugh... She loves to dance... She has a deep longing to play a vital role in something bigger than herself... She loves tradition but hates when people do things out of tradition. She lives coziness...being at home curled up on the couch...Rachel loves holding babies and talking to middle school boys in all of their awkwardness. She loves to write and is a firm believer in journaling...it's strong medicine for a weary soul. She dreams of writing for a living, but can't seem to focus long enough to write anything. She has too many causes...she is passionate about justice or rather bringing justice to those who have been treated injustly. She is actually an introvert who loves being with people. Family means the world to her and she loves sharing her family with others.

Rachel has learned to live hidden away.
She rarely lets others into her heart or life beyond what she thinks is safe. She has learned to maximize her gift for administration to make a place for herself. She likes routine and order except she often fails to keep it in her personal life. Rachel does not like not winning and failure...at times, she avoids doing things she loves because she does not want to fail. Rachel is a leader who prefers to lead from backstage, but who will step up if no one else does. She often feels misunderstood, taken for granted and not taken seriously. But she's beginning to realize that may be an internal issue. Rachel is pretty complicated.

She is trying not to hide anymore. She doesn't like to hide. She wants to know & be known. She wants someone to hear her... She wants someone to want to listen...to want to be near her heart & not to be satisfied with her shell, what she shows when she's afraid:-)

Rachel knows God loves her...

A needle in a pile of needles...

So, I've been In Springfield for two months... Life has been good. If not overwhelming. New town. New home. New job. New church. New friends... I've been thrilled because I'm certain being right where I need to be... Over these past few weeks ice felt like I've been riding an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes... I just get tired of being the "new girl" everywhere I go. I've been telling myself that it will get better, and it has been slowly getting better. Who would have thought a girl go through culture shock just moving to Springfield? Sometimes I have found myself just wishing for something...someone familiar. Haha, at times I've rejoiced over wandering through Dillon's, a Kroger owned store chain, it has a hint of home in it... A friend of mine has been telling me to give myself grace...I'm really trying...really! Sometimes it would be nice to just get a good warm, familiar family/friend hug!!! No words, just someone elses strength.

On that note, I am really excited about the new community God is planting me in :-) 20twenty is unlike any church I've ever been privileged to be a part of... More on that later...

I've been reflecting ;-)when I was in college, I had a friend who compared our season of training together to being "a needle in a stack of needles" ... You see she was talking about coming from home where finding like-minded, talented leader types was like finding a needle in a haystack...she was unique, she stood out...everyone loved her, but at Southeastern she was just like everyone else...speared trying to lead a bunch of leaders. As our conversation continued, we discussed how sometimes leaders just need to learn to follow. Right now, I find myself back in that place ...being a leader with a lot of leaders. I'm trying to learn the art of leading myself, being myself ... While still being willing to humble myself and be led. Truth be told, i like following ... When i trust my leader (which i do, probably for the first time in my life) I'm trying to find my way to that place where I'm being true to the call of God and the leadership God has placed in my life. It's not always easy or comfortable, but it's exciting because I'm part of something bigger than myself...something I truly believe in... This is where I am supposed to be. This is the Body of Christ, no big I's & little you's...we all have roles to fill...the purpose is to find that role and To fill it with all your might...so here I go!