What I really want...

Why do we have to make life so complicated? I've always done life according to what is the right thing to do...I have rarely said what I really mean. Not that I'm lying, I tell people what I think...but I rarely let people into the heart of the real "Rachel"...I'm not exactly sure why, but I have a sneaky, suspicious feeling it's because somewhere deep down I believe that people don't really want to know or that they won't be able to handle the simplicity of what I want or who I am. This is absurd because it really is no different than anything that anyone else wants.

I want...
...to marry my best friend
...to be married for at least 50 years
...to have 4 biological children
...to adopt 4 more (hopefully internationally)
...to own a couple golden retrievers
...to live a life worth imitating...healthy marriage/family relationships
...to make my home a safe haven for my children, a place of rest for my husband & myself
...to raise my children to be spiritual oaks trees
...to be able to take good care of my parents as they age
...to pay for my parents to take a trip to Australia

...to own a cabin in the woods
...to own a home and some land in Ireland
...to be financially independent & debt free by 50
...to have enough money to fund lots of Kingdom work, to take care of my loved ones but to live a contented simple life.
...to live for a season in Oregon, California, Colorado & Turkey (as well as an Asian country)

...to be a discipler
...to be a worshiper
...to be an intercessor
...to be real and transparent-always content
...to LIVE in the awareness of God's Presence
...to see someone healed as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)
...to see someone delivered from demonic oppression as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)
...to see someone raised from the dead as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)

...to intentionally and successfully mentor 100 influential women over the course of my lifetime
...to obtain a Ph.D (of course, after I obtain a Masters degree)
...to write books for a living
...to speak/understand Spanish, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, Turkish & Gaelic
...to teach at the college level
...to climb a mountain
...to plant an orchard
...to run a 5K and then a 10K
...to cultivate an orchid
...to learn to garden

...to visit Dubai
...to visit St. Petersburg, Russia
...to visit Cypress
...to retrace on of Paul's missionary journeys
...to tour Europe
...to tour the Holy Land and be baptized in the Jordan River
...to ride in a gondola in Venice
...to take each of my children on a coming of age trip
...to take one family trip around the country in a camper

... I want to ENJOY my life...to have no regrets...to KNOW this is how I was created to LIVE...

(these are the things I thought were even believable...the rest, are between me & Jesus...)

As I evaluate my life, I feel like I have been striving...striving for some intangible goal...and it all has taken me away from my true heart...to be a wife, a mother, a writer, a mentor, a teacher...someone who lives a full, adventurous, peaceful life...someone who leave a true legacy...a carbon footprint that points to Jesus and the Kingdom of God...


Tonight, for the first time since I began at Hannah's House, I cooked for everyone-white bean chicken chili & homemade banana bread-comfort foods! This a rarely practiced but deeply enjoyed hobby. Then we watched one of my all-time favorite movies, "Anne of Green Gables!" It's always fun to introduce a new group of ladies to Anne, Diana & Gilbert, Marilla & Matthew... and Rachel Lynd... Every time is like being with old friends. I still giggle at the drama and cry at the breath-taking, unsuspected moments that are common to life. As I was nestled in my arm chair, wrapped in an old college hoodie, I felt something rush over me... joy over life and all of it's simple pleasures...

Lately, I've been "re-connecting" with myself. Sometimes this ministry can dehumanize one so much. I can become so accustomed to taking care of the needs of others that I lose my identity, my sense of joy in the simple things. I tend to just go through the motions, nonstop moving, no true rest. I took a few days to visit with my parents this weekend, which really helped! When I was home, I started reading through an old journal from my senior year in high school, it took me back :-) As I perused over the crushes from almost a decade ago, the hopes and dreams, the failures and insecurities, I couldn't help but notice...not much has changed...maybe the circumstances...the location, the relationship, the role or position, but I'm still Rachel... a woman always looking on to the next great occasion, hoping to leave an impact, believing with every idealistic fiber of my being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose... This is a truth that the world would love to snuff out of my heart, but I'm finding it to be true more every day that I live.

My journals reveal that I'm a hopeless romantic, always hoping for someone who will be just as invested in the dreams in my heart as I am. It's almost comical as I see the cycle of disappointment repeat itself over and over again, each time I tell myself, "I won't do that again..." or "I'm older and wiser..." or "Next time..." haha.

There was a time when I would have been keenly disappointed in myself over such a reminder-that I'm not really learning from my mistakes; but instead, only graduating to new circumstances... However, now I look and I see that it is in these moments that I meet myself coming & going....and God has an opportunity to show me Himself...and instill with me a new courage. Recognizing my own pattern of humanness reminds me of how much I need Jesus, how much my strength truly comes from the Holy Spirit dwelling inside, transforming me one experience at a time.

Watching "Anne" tonight, something crossed my mind. We spend our lives saying "Hello" & "Goodbye." Relationships always start with "hello." And, depending upon the impact of the "hello" and the significance of that person's investment in our lives, "goodbye" comes in time. These greetings are all unique. If our relationship has any kind of real meaning, we usually remember one greeting more than another. "Hello"s are usually more fun... if we remember a "goodbye" more than a "hello" it usually is a reflection of relational unhealthiness... I don't know. Ha! I'm rambling... But think about it...most often we can remember how we met someone. Saying goodbye to a dear friend or loved one is usually an embrace, a moment of cherishing each other...until the next time we say hello. But goodbye to someone with whom we are either angry, or by whom we've been hurt, usually leaves a wake of unresolved emotion...memories that are replayed over and over... they are the last and sometimes only memories we have of an individual. Whether we like it or not, we have to say hello and have to say goodbye...but it's up to us what we remember and how we replay that memory.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all of that...but take it to heart...I'd appreciate insight.