Reflections from the Helm of a Canoe [on Walking with Holy Spirit]

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining. The late Missouri summer humidity was bareable. I was surrounded by a family of friends. We were laughing. We were swimming. We were loving on Jesus together. We were seeing God do what He loves to do... reconciling people to Himself. We were experiencing life the way we're meant to... like a bunch of grown up kids reveling in their Father's goodness. 

I was in a canoe for the first time in nearly ten years. And I was steering for the first time... EVER. I was out to accomplish one task... Do. NOT. tip.... I wanted to make it 5 miles down the river, all on my own strength... My friend and partner at the front of the canoe was awesome. Even though we both struggled to feel confident in our little canoe, we made for a great team. And we began to find our own rhythm. We were slow and steady. The water was low, but not too low. We enjoyed some of the most amazing moments of just coasting along the river... when the crowds of Labor Day celebrations were nowhere in sight... and the the water was glistening... and the rocky cliffs were rising up alongside of us. In those moments, my soul would sigh... and take it all in... and yet, below the surface...

I was in my own world. Stewing. Not even sure what I was stewing over. Insecurity had mounted in my heart. Fear. An old faithful foe had crept up to my ear and began to whisper. When I was unaware of its nearness, I had begun to listen to fear and not Holy Spirit. I was striving. Striving to prove something. Striving to prove myself. It's a bit ridiculous in hindsight. Yet, I wanted to prove my own strength. My own ability to not need anything or anyone... Even in the midst of this striving, I was clueless.

THEN...some of the guys decided that it was time to give the girls a rest... they stopped us and put us both in separate canoes... suddenly I found myself at the helm of the canoe. No longer steering. No longer in control. I felt a lot of things. Let down. Powerless. Frustration. Gratefulness. Uncertainty. I wanted to prove to myself that I could finish. Now, I didn't know which direction I was going. Yet, my friend steering behind me... he knew we were going... he was good at this. But, I want to help! How can I help... no worries, Rachel, just be. Just enjoy the view. I picked up my paddle and randomly put it in the water... "Am I doing this right? Am I doing enough? What is going on?" Never mind the loveliness of the view in front of me... the comfort and ease of someone else rowing so I don't have to... Nevermind that I can just be. NO! I was freaking out on the inside.

[I wrestle. I don't like to not be in control. I don't like not-knowing or being able to determine my own destiny. I like to feel like "I've got this." If I were honest, deep-down, I long to just get into a car and be along for the ride. I like to coast... I long to not have to think about what's for dinner or how I'm going to get there. But, on the surface, and my default, self-protection mechanism and fear-based thinking... always reacts when I feel out of control or out of the loop..]

In the moment, I was not processing any of this... days later... I wake up to this truth. My feelings at the helm of a canoe... are the way I feel/act towards my Father on most days. My guy friends just wanted to give us girls a break, a chance to enjoy... and yet, I missed it. So sad. I finally get it. 

Jesus wants to love me... wants me to let Him love me. He calls me to stop fearing that I'm not enough... and let Him be enough for me. He calls me to rest... He calls me to enjoy the journey with Him. What a joy to just let Him love me... just enjoy His Strength.. just let Him steer my life in the way it should go... When He tells me to row on the left or lean to the right... I will, but I want to learn to just BE. That's what this season is... learning to REST in Him. So, here we go. Yes.



Do you struggle with this too? You don't have to be in control. Jesus says this in His Word... 

Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG)
“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”


Take a listen to this truth before you go... 

Presence

You know the moment that someone meaningful to you walks into the room. You don't even have to see them because you sense them. Their presence is there before your eyes meet or the tone of their voice vibrates into your soul. You sense their precious nearness and your heart warms in expectation of sharing time with them.

Presence.

It's what all of us crave. We all seek it. Social media has created a vacuum of presence in our society. We've learned to be "present" in a room while connecting via text with friends, replying to a Facebook message or two, tweeting 140 characters of pithy-ness at some idiosyncratic corner of pop culture, liking a few Instagram photos and possibly pinning a recipe... all while sitting in the same room with other human beings. It is sad. We have learned to live a distant life in an uber "connected" world. It has become normal and even comfortable to hide behind screens and busy schedules.

And yet, we still crave presence. We need it. We need it from people. We need to be seen... to be heard... to be understood... We need to offer our presence to other people. We need to look someone in the eyes... listen to the cry of their soul... and comprehend who they are. That is part of being human. We were designed to trust one another. We were created for intimacy. One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is the gift of our presence.

Deeper still, there is a Presence that we need more than that of anyone else. That Presence belongs to the One who knows us better than we know ourselves, Our Creator and Father. His Presence is Real... He is the Realest place to be in the world. He makes Himself available to us. In fact, His Presence pursues us. How often do we wish someone would pursue us... long to be near us? Our Father does. He does not pursue us out of insecurity, but out of a deep love for what is His. He offers us ALL of Himself and He desires ALL of us. He wants us to come to Him with unveiled faces.

Whenever, though, they turn to face God as Moses did, God removes the veil and there they are—face-to-face! They suddenly recognize that God is a living, personal presence, not a piece of chiseled stone. And when God is personally present, a living Spirit, that old, constricting legislation is recognized as obsolete. We’re free of it! All of us! Nothing between us and God, our faces shining with the brightness of his face. And so we are transfigured much like the Messiah, our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him. 2 Corinthians 3:16-17 (MSG)

Ironically, we fail to even recognize this Presence... His Presence is nearer to us than our next breath... He is as present to us as we allow Him to be... as present to us as we are to Him. Sometimes it takes effort to be aware His Presence. It requires a stripping away of those things in us that are afraid. A stripping away of self-sufficiency. A stripping away of unprocessed emotions. A stripping away of pride. A stripping away of unbelief. A stripping away of what appears to be real. And, it requires desperation...hunger... willingness... for the safety of His Presence.

Carve out space in me, Spirit of God. Cultivate in me a greater capacity to hear You... a sharper sensitivity to Your Voice... May I cherish Your Presence.

On Having an Undivided Heart

"Humans have a remarkable capacity for self-deception."

I read this statement in the book The Life You've Always Wanted by John Ortberg as I was preparing to teach. And it struck me...pierced me, really.

Ortberg includes this statement in his chapter called The Undivided Life - in which he discusses the importance of living in the pursuit of one thing. He talks about the role of scripture in helping us maintain an undivided life.

In the process of reflecting on simplicity or undivided-ness of heart, he discusses two antonyms of this concept - multiplicity and duplicity. Multiplicity basically means that we have two natures warring inside of us. One nature longs to do what is right, while the other longs to do what is carnal or sensory or emotionally pleasing. Duplicity is this idea of having mixed motives. For example, you say you want to give to the poor out of the goodness of your heart, but you really just want the tax write-off. How tricky the human heart can be!

That night...right after teaching my class... I realized something... I often do things out of multiplicity or duplicity. I live in a state of comparison and multi-tasking... striving to control the outcomes of life... while all the while, I am telling myself that I am trusting God. Manipulation toils below the surface of my heart... wondering how can I make things happen my way. Or, I say I want to be close to God ... or a person... and all the while, I'm hiding... only revealing the parts of myself that are "in control." I only allow people close to the parts of me that have been properly put in place. I only let God deal with the parts of my heart that are "holy."

But God... He longs to reside in ALL of me. He longs to restore ALL of my soul (mind, will & emotions). He longs to make me whole. He wants to remove the walls that separate the "good" and "bad"... He brings people into my life to help Him deconstruct those walls. And I run. And I hide. And I pretend that I'm being vulnerable the whole time.

It's only when I allow His Word to begin to penetrate those hard places in my heart that I find the freedom to be fully His...undivided. It's only then that His Love can fully cover me. He never forces me to embrace this work... He waits patiently for me to invite Him into the divided-ness of my soul and to bring the wholeness we both long for...

Today, I say... in full trust... into my heart, Come into my heart, Lord Jesus... Come! Do what You do & BE who You Are!

Advent Reflections: True Peace

You ….

Our Creator God

The One who weaves together

sound & silence

land & sea

flesh & spirit

Our Father God

The One who is

Love

Provision and

Wholeness

Our All-Knowing, Ever-Present God

The One who sees & hears all things

You.

will keep…

Hold steady

Preserve and give longevity to

Protect from alteration or deterioration

in perfect

Especially suitable

Ideal fit

Complete – lacking nothing essential

Peace …

A state of friendship

At rest

Quietness of spirit

A deep knowing that all will be well

The emotion of faith

those …

People

Men & Women

Boys & Girls

Children of God

Us

whose minds

thoughts &memories

patterns of thinking

words & actions

intellect

feelings & desires

concentration

are steadfast,

fixed

firm and unwavering

in purpose, loyalty or resolve

because they trust in

Rely on...

Integrity,

Strength,

Ability

Surety of

Live in confident expectation toward

You!

Our Mighty Fortress

A safe place in the midst of life’s storms

Our Bridegroom

The One who sees us as who we are becoming –

and not as who we once were

Our Soon-Returning Victorious King

The One who has overcome

Sin & death

And conquered the enemy

You Are.

Immanuel

God with us

The Prince of Peace

You ARE our Peace

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You!

Original Writing by Rachel Leonard

for 20Twenty/Evangel Temple Advent Series

On Timing & the Time Warp of Transition

Right now, I should be writing something else... in fact, I should have already written it a month ago... but my heart is so full of emotion at this moment. All I can think about is writing this.

Transition. It is coming. In some ways, it can't come soon enough. But in most ways, it is coming way too soon. The only thing consistent in life is that it changes. As I ponder the many transitions in my near future, I find it ironic that life doesn't just stop and then start again in a new place with new opportunities and new people. No, once all of the decisions necessary for change have been made,,, I enter a time warp... a season called transition. Within this space, I begin saying goodbye a little bit every day until I finally say goodbye for the last time.

Then, I drive away. Car full of all the stuff acquired in one season... tears streaming down my face... singing and praying at the top of my lungs... and I drive. The drive - in and of itself - is a transition. Somehow a car full of memories and the open road in front of me become my escort to the next place.

When I arrive, I begin saying hello. Hello to people, places and dreams that I've been pursuing. The excitement that helped me make the decision to say goodbye returns and gives me the courage to say hello... and hello...and hello....until the new place is no longer new.

Transition is no stranger to me. In fact, part of me relishes the feeling of transition. It is part of my calling.. to sojourn.. to start new things... to prepare soil and plant seeds. But tonight... oh tonight, my heart aches. Truly. It aches deep down inside and I can't seem to get to the bottom of the ache. I love this place. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. I have deeply loved this season. I have grown. I have been challenged. I have overcome. I have failed. I have begun again. I have found the contentment of staying... and staying ... and staying. I want to stay. And, yet, I know that staying will only be delayed obedience... or prolonged disobedience?

Somehow in the time warp of transition, new things begin. And why shouldn't they? Life goes on. It's a phenomenon that I continually forget about until I am reminded. Just because I move on, does not mean everyone else stays the same. Perhaps, that is the ache I feel in this moment? The ache of letting go... walking away...

I am good at closing doors when I leave. It's easier that way. A closed door does not beckon me to return like an open door does. Yet, this time, it seems that my Father knows best... and He is opening doors as I leave. When I try to close them, His hand gently holds them open - and He whispers... let it be.

I don't like unresolved ... anything. It's like a dissonant chord. I can't stand unresolved feelings... unresolved situations... unresolved relationships... I like the closure. I like the false feeling of bein in control. I'd rather know that something is over... than face the uncertainty of what it could become... or the pain of what may die. But, of course, the lesson of this season has been learning to embrace the mystery of God... to trust Him... to embrace His timing... and to be vulnerable. I hate that word. I hate the angst that it creates in my soul. And yet, somewhere deep inside of me... I long to live free and vulnerable... to embrace life fully... to embrace people fully... without fear. And, thankfully, His Spirit enables me to be vulnerable. Yet, perhaps, this is why I like closed doors. An open door means that I face the possibility of being rejected or forgotten. An open door means someone or something else can close it on me.

So, here I am... staring at this lovely little space I call mine, wet-cheeked, enjoying the lights on my Christmas tree and the stillness of this moment.  And I am making a choice - I will savor this season. I will embrace the time warp that is...transition. I will trust that when I say my final goodbye and my first hello... Immanuel, God with me, will still be with me just like He has always promised. I will trust that the doors He leaves open will be OK. And that the ones He closes will be fine too. I will expect great things and know that in it all... He is good. He is faithful and He is strong.

Bless the Lord, oh my soul, find rest in Him.

Initial Reflections from Madrid

Me, standing outside of ancient Toledo

Many of you know I just returned from a 10 day trip to Spain. MANY thanks to those who supported and prayed for me on this trip!! Every time someone asks me about how my trip went, I find myself bombarded with 1000 memories, so many different emotions and thoughts – and then all I can say is, “It was great.”

Spain is a beautiful country – rich in history and diverse in culture. My breath caught with each turn through the streets of its cities – an architectural feast for the eyes. The streets of Madrid billow with savory scents and the metro resonates with languages from over 80 nations. The world lives in Spain!

Spain is ancient. It was ruled by the Visigoths, the Romans, the Ottoman Empire and then the Catholic kings. The apostle Paul mentioned Spain (Rom 15:24, 28) as one of his hopeful destinations. Although the Roman Catholic Church claims he did, there is no historic evidence that he ever made it to Spain. And, it is one of the only nations in Europe without a documented revival.  “In 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue…” and Spain sanctioned his journey. In the same year 200,000 Jews were expelled from the country.

Mint Tea & Arabic Lessons

Today, it has a population of 47.27 million people – 80 nations are represented within its populace, including over 600,000 North African immigrants. Most people are agnostic or atheist – there is also an ever-increasing population of Muslim believers. Only 1% of the population identifies itself as knowing Jesus. One percent. You could spend all day wandering through Madrid and not pass one person who knows Christ! This knowledge made me feel like I was running a marathon through molasses.

I met some incredible people. A young Moroccan mother of two left a deep impact on my heart. She was always warm and friendly – greeting me in Spanish (both of our second language) and kissing my cheeks three times (the traditional Moroccan greeting). One day, she taught our team some basic Arabic and made us some Moroccan mint tea… she also shared her faith with us. She is a devout woman with true conviction and a desire to please Allah. I couldn’t help but be reminded of Cornelius (Acts 10). My prayer for my new friend is that in her desire to serve God, she will find a relationship with Jesus.

Throughout my entire trip the Lord continually led me to this one passage – Matthew 9:35-38. For the first few days of the trip, verse 36 kept coming to mind “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion on them because they were confused and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd.” On our third day, we spent some time in a prayer room overlooking La Puerta del Sol, one of Madrid’s busiest plazas, and as I looked out over the plaza – I saw hundreds of people wandering in different directions – and I began to weep. In verse 37-38, Jesus said to his disciples, “The harvest is great, but the workers are few. So pray to the Lord who is in charge of the harvest; ask him to send more workers into his fields.” This was the resounding message of this trip for me…

Jesus, the world lives here… but where is Your Light?

Awaken the hearts of Your People, send more laborers to Spain.

P.S. CAN I GO??

La Puerta Del Sol - "Sheep without a shepherd"

Outdoor mall in Madrid

It is well.

Tonight, I walked out the door at dusk. I had stayed much later than I'd planned...again. It's been a week of working late. So, I was definitely tired. As the glass door opened to the sidewalk, the sun was almost set and only a corner of the sky was pink. The air was damp and laden with the chill of fall- my favorite season. Stepping out into the evening, I stopped ... and inhaled deeply. Peace rolled over my soul.

In the same moment, I was suddenly conscious of music. It sounded like it was coming from the restaurant-turned-mission/soup kitchen that is part of the organization I work for. The song was familiar... one that often resonates with me, yet the words were temporarily escaping me. I meandered toward the sound as if being pulled by a magnet. I reached the front of the mission and corner of the street where I realized the music was coming from somewhere else. My eyes glanced across the street and propelled my feet, along with my ears, toward the little park couched between two old edifices. It looked like an outdoor worship service and I, on impulse, was going to join the party. I scurried toward the gathering. But thankfully, just before I entered the little gated area, I realized - this was no ordinary worship gathering. No, it was a wedding...and the bride was seconds away from making her grand entrance!! I was about to barge in, uninvited, to a quaint wedding in the park... just in time to up-stage the bride herself.

Awkward moment impeded, I quickly redirected my steps across the street. Safely on the other side and being tired, I should have headed toward my car, but I could not. I was enraptured by the hymn being boldly brandished for all of C-street to hear. I stopped in front of a store front across from the park, leaned against a pole and listened. The blissful couple, unaware that I was a bystander to their moment of covenant. I took in the twinkling white lights entwined in the vines above the bridal party.... and I listened. The bride arrived at the front and the band continued to sing.

In that moment, I could not help but recognize the deep meaning of the music intertwining with this moment of covenant for this happy couple. Instead of the traditional bridal march, this bride had chosen to make this moment less about her...and more about proclaiming a very simple truth... "It is well with my soul." It is well... even outside of the circumstance of this blissful moment. The promise of this old hymn saturated deep into the dark moments of the past, as well as, the challenges of the future. This couple was boldly proclaiming God's sovereignty over their relationship - past, present & future.

In that moment, I was overcome- overcome by the sweet Presence of Jesus... the Faithful One... the One who gives me the grace to remain faithful to the calling over my life. He reminded me... I am not measured by circumstances, roles, titles or others' approval... My worth and my peace of heart flows out of a deep knowing... I am His and He is mine... I am His Beloved.

My evening ended with the gentle reminder...
Because He is...

It is well.