Right now, I should be writing something else... in fact, I should have already written it a month ago... but my heart is so full of emotion at this moment. All I can think about is writing this.
Transition. It is coming. In some ways, it can't come soon enough. But in most ways, it is coming way too soon. The only thing consistent in life is that it changes. As I ponder the many transitions in my near future, I find it ironic that life doesn't just stop and then start again in a new place with new opportunities and new people. No, once all of the decisions necessary for change have been made,,, I enter a time warp... a season called transition. Within this space, I begin saying goodbye a little bit every day until I finally say goodbye for the last time.
Then, I drive away. Car full of all the stuff acquired in one season... tears streaming down my face... singing and praying at the top of my lungs... and I drive. The drive - in and of itself - is a transition. Somehow a car full of memories and the open road in front of me become my escort to the next place.
When I arrive, I begin saying hello. Hello to people, places and dreams that I've been pursuing. The excitement that helped me make the decision to say goodbye returns and gives me the courage to say hello... and hello...and hello....until the new place is no longer new.
Transition is no stranger to me. In fact, part of me relishes the feeling of transition. It is part of my calling.. to sojourn.. to start new things... to prepare soil and plant seeds. But tonight... oh tonight, my heart aches. Truly. It aches deep down inside and I can't seem to get to the bottom of the ache. I love this place. I LOVE THESE PEOPLE. I have deeply loved this season. I have grown. I have been challenged. I have overcome. I have failed. I have begun again. I have found the contentment of staying... and staying ... and staying. I want to stay. And, yet, I know that staying will only be delayed obedience... or prolonged disobedience?
Somehow in the time warp of transition, new things begin. And why shouldn't they? Life goes on. It's a phenomenon that I continually forget about until I am reminded. Just because I move on, does not mean everyone else stays the same. Perhaps, that is the ache I feel in this moment? The ache of letting go... walking away...
I am good at closing doors when I leave. It's easier that way. A closed door does not beckon me to return like an open door does. Yet, this time, it seems that my Father knows best... and He is opening doors as I leave. When I try to close them, His hand gently holds them open - and He whispers... let it be.
I don't like unresolved ... anything. It's like a dissonant chord. I can't stand unresolved feelings... unresolved situations... unresolved relationships... I like the closure. I like the false feeling of bein in control. I'd rather know that something is over... than face the uncertainty of what it could become... or the pain of what may die. But, of course, the lesson of this season has been learning to embrace the mystery of God... to trust Him... to embrace His timing... and to be vulnerable. I hate that word. I hate the angst that it creates in my soul. And yet, somewhere deep inside of me... I long to live free and vulnerable... to embrace life fully... to embrace people fully... without fear. And, thankfully, His Spirit enables me to be vulnerable. Yet, perhaps, this is why I like closed doors. An open door means that I face the possibility of being rejected or forgotten. An open door means someone or something else can close it on me.
So, here I am... staring at this lovely little space I call mine, wet-cheeked, enjoying the lights on my Christmas tree and the stillness of this moment. And I am making a choice - I will savor this season. I will embrace the time warp that is...transition. I will trust that when I say my final goodbye and my first hello... Immanuel, God with me, will still be with me just like He has always promised. I will trust that the doors He leaves open will be OK. And that the ones He closes will be fine too. I will expect great things and know that in it all... He is good. He is faithful and He is strong.
Bless the Lord, oh my soul, find rest in Him.
Showing posts with label Reflections on Life and Ministry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflections on Life and Ministry. Show all posts
10.13.2012
It is well.
Tonight, I walked out the door at dusk. I had stayed much later than I'd planned...again. It's been a week of working late. So, I was definitely tired. As the glass door opened to the sidewalk, the sun was almost set and only a corner of the sky was pink. The air was damp and laden with the chill of fall- my favorite season. Stepping out into the evening, I stopped ... and inhaled deeply. Peace rolled over my soul.
In the same moment, I was suddenly conscious of music. It sounded like it was coming from the restaurant-turned-mission/soup kitchen that is part of the organization I work for. The song was familiar... one that often resonates with me, yet the words were temporarily escaping me. I meandered toward the sound as if being pulled by a magnet. I reached the front of the mission and corner of the street where I realized the music was coming from somewhere else. My eyes glanced across the street and propelled my feet, along with my ears, toward the little park couched between two old edifices. It looked like an outdoor worship service and I, on impulse, was going to join the party. I scurried toward the gathering. But thankfully, just before I entered the little gated area, I realized - this was no ordinary worship gathering. No, it was a wedding...and the bride was seconds away from making her grand entrance!! I was about to barge in, uninvited, to a quaint wedding in the park... just in time to up-stage the bride herself.
Awkward moment impeded, I quickly redirected my steps across the street. Safely on the other side and being tired, I should have headed toward my car, but I could not. I was enraptured by the hymn being boldly brandished for all of C-street to hear. I stopped in front of a store front across from the park, leaned against a pole and listened. The blissful couple, unaware that I was a bystander to their moment of covenant. I took in the twinkling white lights entwined in the vines above the bridal party.... and I listened. The bride arrived at the front and the band continued to sing.
In that moment, I could not help but recognize the deep meaning of the music intertwining with this moment of covenant for this happy couple. Instead of the traditional bridal march, this bride had chosen to make this moment less about her...and more about proclaiming a very simple truth... "It is well with my soul." It is well... even outside of the circumstance of this blissful moment. The promise of this old hymn saturated deep into the dark moments of the past, as well as, the challenges of the future. This couple was boldly proclaiming God's sovereignty over their relationship - past, present & future.
In that moment, I was overcome- overcome by the sweet Presence of Jesus... the Faithful One... the One who gives me the grace to remain faithful to the calling over my life. He reminded me... I am not measured by circumstances, roles, titles or others' approval... My worth and my peace of heart flows out of a deep knowing... I am His and He is mine... I am His Beloved.
My evening ended with the gentle reminder...
Because He is...
In the same moment, I was suddenly conscious of music. It sounded like it was coming from the restaurant-turned-mission/soup kitchen that is part of the organization I work for. The song was familiar... one that often resonates with me, yet the words were temporarily escaping me. I meandered toward the sound as if being pulled by a magnet. I reached the front of the mission and corner of the street where I realized the music was coming from somewhere else. My eyes glanced across the street and propelled my feet, along with my ears, toward the little park couched between two old edifices. It looked like an outdoor worship service and I, on impulse, was going to join the party. I scurried toward the gathering. But thankfully, just before I entered the little gated area, I realized - this was no ordinary worship gathering. No, it was a wedding...and the bride was seconds away from making her grand entrance!! I was about to barge in, uninvited, to a quaint wedding in the park... just in time to up-stage the bride herself.
Awkward moment impeded, I quickly redirected my steps across the street. Safely on the other side and being tired, I should have headed toward my car, but I could not. I was enraptured by the hymn being boldly brandished for all of C-street to hear. I stopped in front of a store front across from the park, leaned against a pole and listened. The blissful couple, unaware that I was a bystander to their moment of covenant. I took in the twinkling white lights entwined in the vines above the bridal party.... and I listened. The bride arrived at the front and the band continued to sing.
In that moment, I could not help but recognize the deep meaning of the music intertwining with this moment of covenant for this happy couple. Instead of the traditional bridal march, this bride had chosen to make this moment less about her...and more about proclaiming a very simple truth... "It is well with my soul." It is well... even outside of the circumstance of this blissful moment. The promise of this old hymn saturated deep into the dark moments of the past, as well as, the challenges of the future. This couple was boldly proclaiming God's sovereignty over their relationship - past, present & future.
In that moment, I was overcome- overcome by the sweet Presence of Jesus... the Faithful One... the One who gives me the grace to remain faithful to the calling over my life. He reminded me... I am not measured by circumstances, roles, titles or others' approval... My worth and my peace of heart flows out of a deep knowing... I am His and He is mine... I am His Beloved.
My evening ended with the gentle reminder...
Because He is...
It is well.
1.12.2012
Failing Forward 2012: Embracing Myself Part 2
2012: A Year of Embracing Myself...Failure & All
It's been almost two months and a couple of holidays since everything hit the fan. I spent five days at home for Christmas, but I've been spending a lot of time just sorting through my last 27 years. I'm coming to some conclusions...
This year, I want to meditate on these truths...to learn to live them in fullness...
If you you have endured to the end of this blogpost... you are amazing!! I ask you to pray with me to come to a deeper understand of what this means and to challenge me when I start to run back... Thank you in advance. Happy Growing!
It's been almost two months and a couple of holidays since everything hit the fan. I spent five days at home for Christmas, but I've been spending a lot of time just sorting through my last 27 years. I'm coming to some conclusions...
- I am a right-brained person trying to be left-brained. I have spent all of my life striving to be left-brained. I've always felt that in order to be successful, I have live in another hemisphere of my brain. It's been like trying to wear someone else's clothing.
- I am tired of working so hard to be someone else. It is exhausting to sit through long theological debates with people and want to simply say... "Who cares?" or "Yeah, but how?" But, since I'm a minister...I just shut up and grin & bear it because "that's what we do."
- I am a deep thinker, I just think differently about things. I am a woman but I do have a brain. I think about how someone's actions effect others. I think about how words fit nicely together. I think about how the Holy Spirit works in the world. I think about how to resolve conflicts. I think about seasonings and colors and how they complement each other. I think about characters in books like they are people. I think about why Jesus uses metaphors to explain His Kingdom instead of theological theories.
- Everyone else can see the real me better than I can. My closest friends laugh when I admit these thingst to them and say, "Rae-Rae, I could have told you this all along." (By the way, you have to earn the right to use that name ;-)
- I want to discover what it's like to fulfill God's calling as myself... I want to figure out how a creative person fits into the ministry world. I want to make my voice heard and believe that others will listen to me...when I am being myself.
- I want to learn to garden. I want to study the process of development from seed to fruit. I want to be ok with investing time into cultivating life.
- I want to get a cuddle buddy... a dog.
- I want to spend more time with children... They are so full of innocence and curiosity.
- I want to write... dare I say it? A novel. I need courage to do this.
- I want to spend more time being in nature than on Facebook.
- I want to invest in reciprocal relationships... ones that intimidate me, yet challenge me...relationships that empower me to BE, not just do.
- I want to explore creativity and spirituality... what my calling in life looks like in light of my findings.
- I want to spend more time investing in God's Kingdom, than in creating the illusion of my own.
- I want to walk in humility...being content to abide in God's Presence even when no one is looking
- I want to spend this year enjoying each day as it comes.. without anxious thoughts...aware of God's Voice and Presence.
- I want to fall in love with this little town... the people, the traditions and the foreigners who dwell here...the plans God has for its people...I want to make Springfield home.
This year, I want to meditate on these truths...to learn to live them in fullness...
- Philippians 4:11 Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. 12 I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. 13 For I can do everything through Christ,[c] who gives me strength.
- Romans 8: 15 So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God’s Spirit when he adopted you as his own children.[h] Now we call him, “Abba, Father.”[i] 16 For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God’s children. 17 And since we are his children, we are his heirs. In fact, together with Christ we are heirs of God’s glory. But if we are to share his glory, we must also share his suffering.
- Ephesians 4: 1 Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. 2 Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. 3 Make every effort to keep yourselves united in the Spirit, binding yourselves together with peace.
- 1 John 4:11 Dear friends, since God loved us that much, we surely ought to love each other. 12 No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and his love is brought to full expression in us. 13 And God has given us his Spirit as proof that we live in him and he in us. 14 Furthermore, we have seen with our own eyes and now testify that the Father sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. 15 All who confess that Jesus is the Son of God have God living in them, and they live in God. 16 We know how much God loves us, and we have put our trust in his love. God is love, and all who live in love live in God, and God lives in them. 17 And as we live in God, our love grows more perfect. So we will not be afraid on the day of judgment, but we can face him with confidence because we live like Jesus here in this world. 18 Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment, and this shows that we have not fully experienced his perfect love. 19 We love each other[b] because he loved us first.
If you you have endured to the end of this blogpost... you are amazing!! I ask you to pray with me to come to a deeper understand of what this means and to challenge me when I start to run back... Thank you in advance. Happy Growing!
Failing Forward 2012: Embracing Myself Part 1
Complicated Me
I've always really loved people... hearing their stories, being present to their journey, watching them become more of themselves... growing closer to Jesus with them. It's one of those strange things I cannot totally explain. I can honestly say I've never met anyone I haven't loved. Really. I'm not saying people have never gotten under my skin. I'm just saying there is an innate desire in me to love people. I see them as they are and as who they are becoming. Watching life unfold for people is so thrilling.
On the other hand, if I am not spending adequate time alone, I get overwhelmed with compassion and empathy really quickly. I recharge by myself. Me, my journal, my Bible and (most recently) a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I like to be outside and just BE... to sit and soak up the world around me... Or Ill pick up a good book and get lost in it for a while (the funny thing is that I tend to make friends with the characters and it's hard to let go of them at the end of the book). My dearest friends and family know that I am a verbal processor ... so after my alone time, I usually begin to crave quality conversation with like-minded people. I always love/hate these moments. I love them because I feel known and I am able to re-connect with reality through processing everything I'm experiencing. But I hate them because I often feel guilty and like I've overwhelmed the person who is listening. I am a deep thinker and sometimes, even the people who know and love me best just look at me with these looks of "Huh? You lost me ten minutes ago."
Meanwhile, I enjoy being creative. Writing has always been something I just do. People tell me I'm good at it...urging me to do it more, to write books and blogs. I've often had the desire to do it for a living...but never felt good enough. I love to cook and create new ways to make food. I've pushed that away with the excuse that there is no one to cook for... I enjoy singing and being a part of musical experiences... but my sister is the real singer...I've dabbled in painting but...my brother is the artist... I enjoy knitting and making things... but I am not a crafty person... I like making things for people...
The Journey that led me to here...
All of my life, I've been an all or nothing person. I've had very high expectations for myself and I have pushed really hard. Yet, I have often been frustrated. You see, when I was ten years old, I heard Jesus speak something very simple and personal into my heart. He asked me to feed and lead His sheep. I said yes. And for the past seventeen years, I have been trying very hard to figure out how that works out practically. When I heard the Lord speak to me so long ago, I knew that I was called to pastor... Over the years, I have worn the children's pastor hat, the youth pastor hat, the women's minister hat, the missionary hat... all of which were great in season. But, I just could never seem to feel quite ... "at home." I studied ministry in college. I obtained ministerial credentials. I served in all the areas for which I felt passionate, paid or unpaid, I tried to be noticed... I waited for doors to open, for direction, for favor... for a sense of arrival...a sense of approval. But, it never happenened. I always ended up working as a secretary to "support my ministry habit" (working full-time and doing ministry in all of my spare time) and feeling deeply frustrated...eventually burning out.
My mom always says..."You are a natural teacher. Be a teacher... Women never get paid to be in the ministry..." But the thought of spending thirty years in a public school setting feels like a life sentence to the penitentry. I know there is something to what she is saying. I am a teacher... I teach all the time. But, I don't want to teach reading, writing and arithmetic.
When I gradutated college, I had a dream. I was going to go to cemetary...ehem, I mean, seminary, someday. In fact, I almost went straight out of undergrad (probably should have) but I decided to go home to Kentucky... well, actually God led me there, I never would have gone back of my own volition. I told myself I just needed some ministry experience and I would go in a couple years. I even attempted a few times to go to seminary at home. I was accepted and signed up for classes twice, but didn't follow through for one reason or another.
In Kentucky, I began to see my generation...full of potential, a fresh, creative soul with wounds so deep... and a passion for everything real... a generation longing to be connected to the Creator of creativity and the Father to the fatherless... My heart began to cry out for my generation and look for ways to pastor the heart of this generation...
Well, last February, almost six years later, burnt out for the third time in five years, I decided it was time. I was accepted to my dream seminary... Fuller Theological Seminary... I was moving to California...as far away from Kentucky and all of my perceived failures as I could possibly go. I was finally pursuing my M.Div... finally someone would take me seriously! I was so excited about the possiblities of being immersed in studies on the sunny West Coast, surrounded by diversity...
But then, God stepped in. He reminded me about the school I oringally planned to attend. It was in no place exciting...land-locked, extremely humid & hot in summer and icy cold in winter... the people white, inbred and with A/G on their underwear... (please do not be offended... this was my perspective). At first, I had no interest, but then I knew...this where I need to be. I began to get excited. I visited this smaller midwest college town, had two interviews and two weeks later...I moved here in the dead heat of summer.
Um, yes, I did. I started working full time and it barely paid the bills. I was a secretary again. I was miserable. But, hey, at least I had insurance ... and most of my co-workers were Christians. And, they said they would work with my school schedule.
Over the summer, I became involved in a community of Christians...young adults specifically. It is everything I had been praying for God to develop back in Kentucky...but is was here, in the center of the A/G universe and I was completely shocked. Did I fail to mention I tend to see people and everything else through the lens of prophetic potential? I see them as they are becoming...and so it makes loving them as they are so much easier... I fell head over heels for what God is doing here... and it soon became all I could think about and pray for...
Enter my first semester of seminary. I am pretty stupid and idealistic sometimes. Who thinks they can go to seminary... work forty hours a week...study Greek in a distance course... be SUPER involved in a church community/ministry...have a social life...hang out with international students...lead a small group... and sleep?? This girl right here...silly old me!! EPIC FAIL.
Long story a little shorter than it actually is. I chose to engage this community first. I was working and trying to study and enraptured with deep thoughts of what God is doing here... I began to get sick. Something that is a classic sign that I've overdone it... BIG PROBLEM when you have a probationary period for work. Over six months of work I missed 2.5 days due to sickness... and I lost my job ... never had that happen before...ever... let's talk about humble pie.
To make things more complicated, this semester made me really begin to question my motives for going to seminary. I did not enjoy one moment... well, except for the class on Gender & Culture...but I was frustrated about not being able to engage it enough. Most of the time, I felt completely frustrated with the entire process... and disconnected from seminary life... and felt like I was an orange in a basket of apples. When the spring semester class list came out, all of the course times conflicted with my work schedule. I decided that I would take a semester off and pray about my seminary investment. Registration ended on a Friday, I lost my job on the following Monday.
So, suddenly I find myself in a town I tolerate with nothing to show for the past six months but a great group of friends and an epic failure in the rest of life. That brings us up-to-date...
I've always really loved people... hearing their stories, being present to their journey, watching them become more of themselves... growing closer to Jesus with them. It's one of those strange things I cannot totally explain. I can honestly say I've never met anyone I haven't loved. Really. I'm not saying people have never gotten under my skin. I'm just saying there is an innate desire in me to love people. I see them as they are and as who they are becoming. Watching life unfold for people is so thrilling.
On the other hand, if I am not spending adequate time alone, I get overwhelmed with compassion and empathy really quickly. I recharge by myself. Me, my journal, my Bible and (most recently) a cup of coffee. Sometimes, I like to be outside and just BE... to sit and soak up the world around me... Or Ill pick up a good book and get lost in it for a while (the funny thing is that I tend to make friends with the characters and it's hard to let go of them at the end of the book). My dearest friends and family know that I am a verbal processor ... so after my alone time, I usually begin to crave quality conversation with like-minded people. I always love/hate these moments. I love them because I feel known and I am able to re-connect with reality through processing everything I'm experiencing. But I hate them because I often feel guilty and like I've overwhelmed the person who is listening. I am a deep thinker and sometimes, even the people who know and love me best just look at me with these looks of "Huh? You lost me ten minutes ago."
Meanwhile, I enjoy being creative. Writing has always been something I just do. People tell me I'm good at it...urging me to do it more, to write books and blogs. I've often had the desire to do it for a living...but never felt good enough. I love to cook and create new ways to make food. I've pushed that away with the excuse that there is no one to cook for... I enjoy singing and being a part of musical experiences... but my sister is the real singer...I've dabbled in painting but...my brother is the artist... I enjoy knitting and making things... but I am not a crafty person... I like making things for people...
The Journey that led me to here...
All of my life, I've been an all or nothing person. I've had very high expectations for myself and I have pushed really hard. Yet, I have often been frustrated. You see, when I was ten years old, I heard Jesus speak something very simple and personal into my heart. He asked me to feed and lead His sheep. I said yes. And for the past seventeen years, I have been trying very hard to figure out how that works out practically. When I heard the Lord speak to me so long ago, I knew that I was called to pastor... Over the years, I have worn the children's pastor hat, the youth pastor hat, the women's minister hat, the missionary hat... all of which were great in season. But, I just could never seem to feel quite ... "at home." I studied ministry in college. I obtained ministerial credentials. I served in all the areas for which I felt passionate, paid or unpaid, I tried to be noticed... I waited for doors to open, for direction, for favor... for a sense of arrival...a sense of approval. But, it never happenened. I always ended up working as a secretary to "support my ministry habit" (working full-time and doing ministry in all of my spare time) and feeling deeply frustrated...eventually burning out.
My mom always says..."You are a natural teacher. Be a teacher... Women never get paid to be in the ministry..." But the thought of spending thirty years in a public school setting feels like a life sentence to the penitentry. I know there is something to what she is saying. I am a teacher... I teach all the time. But, I don't want to teach reading, writing and arithmetic.
When I gradutated college, I had a dream. I was going to go to cemetary...ehem, I mean, seminary, someday. In fact, I almost went straight out of undergrad (probably should have) but I decided to go home to Kentucky... well, actually God led me there, I never would have gone back of my own volition. I told myself I just needed some ministry experience and I would go in a couple years. I even attempted a few times to go to seminary at home. I was accepted and signed up for classes twice, but didn't follow through for one reason or another.
In Kentucky, I began to see my generation...full of potential, a fresh, creative soul with wounds so deep... and a passion for everything real... a generation longing to be connected to the Creator of creativity and the Father to the fatherless... My heart began to cry out for my generation and look for ways to pastor the heart of this generation...
Well, last February, almost six years later, burnt out for the third time in five years, I decided it was time. I was accepted to my dream seminary... Fuller Theological Seminary... I was moving to California...as far away from Kentucky and all of my perceived failures as I could possibly go. I was finally pursuing my M.Div... finally someone would take me seriously! I was so excited about the possiblities of being immersed in studies on the sunny West Coast, surrounded by diversity...
But then, God stepped in. He reminded me about the school I oringally planned to attend. It was in no place exciting...land-locked, extremely humid & hot in summer and icy cold in winter... the people white, inbred and with A/G on their underwear... (please do not be offended... this was my perspective). At first, I had no interest, but then I knew...this where I need to be. I began to get excited. I visited this smaller midwest college town, had two interviews and two weeks later...I moved here in the dead heat of summer.
Um, yes, I did. I started working full time and it barely paid the bills. I was a secretary again. I was miserable. But, hey, at least I had insurance ... and most of my co-workers were Christians. And, they said they would work with my school schedule.
Over the summer, I became involved in a community of Christians...young adults specifically. It is everything I had been praying for God to develop back in Kentucky...but is was here, in the center of the A/G universe and I was completely shocked. Did I fail to mention I tend to see people and everything else through the lens of prophetic potential? I see them as they are becoming...and so it makes loving them as they are so much easier... I fell head over heels for what God is doing here... and it soon became all I could think about and pray for...
Enter my first semester of seminary. I am pretty stupid and idealistic sometimes. Who thinks they can go to seminary... work forty hours a week...study Greek in a distance course... be SUPER involved in a church community/ministry...have a social life...hang out with international students...lead a small group... and sleep?? This girl right here...silly old me!! EPIC FAIL.
Long story a little shorter than it actually is. I chose to engage this community first. I was working and trying to study and enraptured with deep thoughts of what God is doing here... I began to get sick. Something that is a classic sign that I've overdone it... BIG PROBLEM when you have a probationary period for work. Over six months of work I missed 2.5 days due to sickness... and I lost my job ... never had that happen before...ever... let's talk about humble pie.
To make things more complicated, this semester made me really begin to question my motives for going to seminary. I did not enjoy one moment... well, except for the class on Gender & Culture...but I was frustrated about not being able to engage it enough. Most of the time, I felt completely frustrated with the entire process... and disconnected from seminary life... and felt like I was an orange in a basket of apples. When the spring semester class list came out, all of the course times conflicted with my work schedule. I decided that I would take a semester off and pray about my seminary investment. Registration ended on a Friday, I lost my job on the following Monday.
So, suddenly I find myself in a town I tolerate with nothing to show for the past six months but a great group of friends and an epic failure in the rest of life. That brings us up-to-date...
3.23.2011
wait for it...
Have you ever noticed that part in a song where there are no words? The instrumental soliloquy? You know, the part where the musicians get solos and the music builds and everyone gets excited... For those of you who are "non-musicians"...this is the part where the soloist usually jumps off the drum cage and the guitarists head bangs and jumps around a lot....and the drummer goes insane!! yeah that's the part that always gets me!
:-) Yeah I know, sweet pic...andy barron took it (hilsong united concert)
Musically, it's the climax...the best part of the song...but I always end up trying to put words where they do not belong...
Seriously, the BEST part of any song is the instrumental part...but I can't seem to let it be...without serious effort ;-)
Why am I going on about this? Well, I was thinking about it this morning...it is a great comparison to THIS season of my life...my lifesong...I'm in the middle of a bridge...I should be dancing...and in some ways I am...but I'm in such a hurry to get back to the words...the next verse...I always am! Hurrying that is...
God keeps saying to me...be still...be still...be still...I'm about to do something REALLY cool...just wait. Wait for it, wait for it...wait for it.......wait for ME.........
Waiting :-) I'll try not to make up my own lyrics and put them where they're not supposed to be! I'll let Him play the song the way He plays it best :-)
:-) Yeah I know, sweet pic...andy barron took it (hilsong united concert)
Musically, it's the climax...the best part of the song...but I always end up trying to put words where they do not belong...
Seriously, the BEST part of any song is the instrumental part...but I can't seem to let it be...without serious effort ;-)
Why am I going on about this? Well, I was thinking about it this morning...it is a great comparison to THIS season of my life...my lifesong...I'm in the middle of a bridge...I should be dancing...and in some ways I am...but I'm in such a hurry to get back to the words...the next verse...I always am! Hurrying that is...
God keeps saying to me...be still...be still...be still...I'm about to do something REALLY cool...just wait. Wait for it, wait for it...wait for it.......wait for ME.........
Waiting :-) I'll try not to make up my own lyrics and put them where they're not supposed to be! I'll let Him play the song the way He plays it best :-)
2.03.2011
a glimpse into the complex road to healing
i'm sitting in my office listening to the girls downstairs on free time. they're listening to a cd and belting it out loud! they crack me up! God has brought such a wonderful group of ladies into the house lately...He is doing so much in their hearts. they are like sponges...so hungry for the Lord and open to what He's doing in them. they have teachable spirits...
lately, i've felt overwhelmed, but it's been the little things that make me smile :-)
this is part of living in the moment that God has you in...soaking up moments of pure joy and laughing...that's something else i love about these ladies, they're always laughing! always...sometimes at inappropriate moments...but i say, laughter is better than tears...only thing better is laughing so hard that it brings you to tears :-)
this is what the road to healing looks like...
lately, i've felt overwhelmed, but it's been the little things that make me smile :-)
this is part of living in the moment that God has you in...soaking up moments of pure joy and laughing...that's something else i love about these ladies, they're always laughing! always...sometimes at inappropriate moments...but i say, laughter is better than tears...only thing better is laughing so hard that it brings you to tears :-)
this is what the road to healing looks like...
10.03.2010
Hello...Goodbye.
Tonight, for the first time since I began at Hannah's House, I cooked for everyone-white bean chicken chili & homemade banana bread-comfort foods! This a rarely practiced but deeply enjoyed hobby. Then we watched one of my all-time favorite movies, "Anne of Green Gables!" It's always fun to introduce a new group of ladies to Anne, Diana & Gilbert, Marilla & Matthew... and Rachel Lynd... Every time is like being with old friends. I still giggle at the drama and cry at the breath-taking, unsuspected moments that are common to life. As I was nestled in my arm chair, wrapped in an old college hoodie, I felt something rush over me... joy over life and all of it's simple pleasures...
Lately, I've been "re-connecting" with myself. Sometimes this ministry can dehumanize one so much. I can become so accustomed to taking care of the needs of others that I lose my identity, my sense of joy in the simple things. I tend to just go through the motions, nonstop moving, no true rest. I took a few days to visit with my parents this weekend, which really helped! When I was home, I started reading through an old journal from my senior year in high school, it took me back :-) As I perused over the crushes from almost a decade ago, the hopes and dreams, the failures and insecurities, I couldn't help but notice...not much has changed...maybe the circumstances...the location, the relationship, the role or position, but I'm still Rachel... a woman always looking on to the next great occasion, hoping to leave an impact, believing with every idealistic fiber of my being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose... This is a truth that the world would love to snuff out of my heart, but I'm finding it to be true more every day that I live.
My journals reveal that I'm a hopeless romantic, always hoping for someone who will be just as invested in the dreams in my heart as I am. It's almost comical as I see the cycle of disappointment repeat itself over and over again, each time I tell myself, "I won't do that again..." or "I'm older and wiser..." or "Next time..." haha.
There was a time when I would have been keenly disappointed in myself over such a reminder-that I'm not really learning from my mistakes; but instead, only graduating to new circumstances... However, now I look and I see that it is in these moments that I meet myself coming & going....and God has an opportunity to show me Himself...and instill with me a new courage. Recognizing my own pattern of humanness reminds me of how much I need Jesus, how much my strength truly comes from the Holy Spirit dwelling inside, transforming me one experience at a time.
Watching "Anne" tonight, something crossed my mind. We spend our lives saying "Hello" & "Goodbye." Relationships always start with "hello." And, depending upon the impact of the "hello" and the significance of that person's investment in our lives, "goodbye" comes in time. These greetings are all unique. If our relationship has any kind of real meaning, we usually remember one greeting more than another. "Hello"s are usually more fun... if we remember a "goodbye" more than a "hello" it usually is a reflection of relational unhealthiness... I don't know. Ha! I'm rambling... But think about it...most often we can remember how we met someone. Saying goodbye to a dear friend or loved one is usually an embrace, a moment of cherishing each other...until the next time we say hello. But goodbye to someone with whom we are either angry, or by whom we've been hurt, usually leaves a wake of unresolved emotion...memories that are replayed over and over... they are the last and sometimes only memories we have of an individual. Whether we like it or not, we have to say hello and have to say goodbye...but it's up to us what we remember and how we replay that memory.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all of that...but take it to heart...I'd appreciate insight.
Lately, I've been "re-connecting" with myself. Sometimes this ministry can dehumanize one so much. I can become so accustomed to taking care of the needs of others that I lose my identity, my sense of joy in the simple things. I tend to just go through the motions, nonstop moving, no true rest. I took a few days to visit with my parents this weekend, which really helped! When I was home, I started reading through an old journal from my senior year in high school, it took me back :-) As I perused over the crushes from almost a decade ago, the hopes and dreams, the failures and insecurities, I couldn't help but notice...not much has changed...maybe the circumstances...the location, the relationship, the role or position, but I'm still Rachel... a woman always looking on to the next great occasion, hoping to leave an impact, believing with every idealistic fiber of my being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose... This is a truth that the world would love to snuff out of my heart, but I'm finding it to be true more every day that I live.
My journals reveal that I'm a hopeless romantic, always hoping for someone who will be just as invested in the dreams in my heart as I am. It's almost comical as I see the cycle of disappointment repeat itself over and over again, each time I tell myself, "I won't do that again..." or "I'm older and wiser..." or "Next time..." haha.
There was a time when I would have been keenly disappointed in myself over such a reminder-that I'm not really learning from my mistakes; but instead, only graduating to new circumstances... However, now I look and I see that it is in these moments that I meet myself coming & going....and God has an opportunity to show me Himself...and instill with me a new courage. Recognizing my own pattern of humanness reminds me of how much I need Jesus, how much my strength truly comes from the Holy Spirit dwelling inside, transforming me one experience at a time.
Watching "Anne" tonight, something crossed my mind. We spend our lives saying "Hello" & "Goodbye." Relationships always start with "hello." And, depending upon the impact of the "hello" and the significance of that person's investment in our lives, "goodbye" comes in time. These greetings are all unique. If our relationship has any kind of real meaning, we usually remember one greeting more than another. "Hello"s are usually more fun... if we remember a "goodbye" more than a "hello" it usually is a reflection of relational unhealthiness... I don't know. Ha! I'm rambling... But think about it...most often we can remember how we met someone. Saying goodbye to a dear friend or loved one is usually an embrace, a moment of cherishing each other...until the next time we say hello. But goodbye to someone with whom we are either angry, or by whom we've been hurt, usually leaves a wake of unresolved emotion...memories that are replayed over and over... they are the last and sometimes only memories we have of an individual. Whether we like it or not, we have to say hello and have to say goodbye...but it's up to us what we remember and how we replay that memory.
I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all of that...but take it to heart...I'd appreciate insight.
9.11.2010
overdue update
WOW, it's been a minute since I last posted something. Life has been a blur ever since I arrived here in Lexington. The truth is...I've been wanting to post but sometimes it's hard to know where to begin.
Lexington is beginning to feel like home after 4 months. I'm not sure how to sum up the changes that I've been experiencing. I am still living here in the center, sharing a bathroom with 6 other women, never really being away from their ups & downs. But God has been granting me the grace through this season of "securing the foundations" to live within earshot of the very women I minister to. I've been learning about leadership...and boundaries...and discipleship. It's been fun. Every day I see the Lord working in women's lives...I watch women transform before my very eyes...
About two months ago, I decided to choose a home church, True Life Church, is literally a 30 second walk from my back porch. The people of the church are beautiful...real...like a family. We have a great new pastor and his wife gives the best hugs ever! Their children are precious and I'm learning to have a pastor who is not my father.
I am finding a neat friendship with a woman that truly intrigues me. For years, I've prayed for a mentor and the Lord has sent them to me for short seasons, but this woman is like the 'energizer bunny'. She is involved in so many aspects of business, life, ministry, family, etc. Her heart is to mentor young women in the "stuff" of life, a true Titus 2 woman. It's been fun getting to know her. She has two sons who are very industrious for their age, both are not even out of their 20's and they own their own businesses and hold serious leadership positions in the church. I'm intrigued by the strength of their family...I hope to learn from her about how she and her husband have raised such strong sons...
I've been re-evaluating my goals for life...I'm still not ready to put them all out there...but soon, I need the accountability of making them public :-) I've been a bit surprised to see the progress from my 5 year plan I made in college. I have accomplished pretty much all of it...except for a master's degree...which I have not even started...although not for a lack of attempts. (I was accepted at 2 different grad schools and was weeks from starting when, both times, I felt the Lord tell me "No!"). But I still plan to get there.
Anyway, well, there's an update...I'm supposed to be studying since I'm preaching tomorrow evening, but I'm procrastinating... updating my blog suddenly became pressing ;-)
Lexington is beginning to feel like home after 4 months. I'm not sure how to sum up the changes that I've been experiencing. I am still living here in the center, sharing a bathroom with 6 other women, never really being away from their ups & downs. But God has been granting me the grace through this season of "securing the foundations" to live within earshot of the very women I minister to. I've been learning about leadership...and boundaries...and discipleship. It's been fun. Every day I see the Lord working in women's lives...I watch women transform before my very eyes...
About two months ago, I decided to choose a home church, True Life Church, is literally a 30 second walk from my back porch. The people of the church are beautiful...real...like a family. We have a great new pastor and his wife gives the best hugs ever! Their children are precious and I'm learning to have a pastor who is not my father.
I am finding a neat friendship with a woman that truly intrigues me. For years, I've prayed for a mentor and the Lord has sent them to me for short seasons, but this woman is like the 'energizer bunny'. She is involved in so many aspects of business, life, ministry, family, etc. Her heart is to mentor young women in the "stuff" of life, a true Titus 2 woman. It's been fun getting to know her. She has two sons who are very industrious for their age, both are not even out of their 20's and they own their own businesses and hold serious leadership positions in the church. I'm intrigued by the strength of their family...I hope to learn from her about how she and her husband have raised such strong sons...
I've been re-evaluating my goals for life...I'm still not ready to put them all out there...but soon, I need the accountability of making them public :-) I've been a bit surprised to see the progress from my 5 year plan I made in college. I have accomplished pretty much all of it...except for a master's degree...which I have not even started...although not for a lack of attempts. (I was accepted at 2 different grad schools and was weeks from starting when, both times, I felt the Lord tell me "No!"). But I still plan to get there.
Anyway, well, there's an update...I'm supposed to be studying since I'm preaching tomorrow evening, but I'm procrastinating... updating my blog suddenly became pressing ;-)
4.06.2010
The free fall :-)
I am moving to Lexington, KY in the beginning of May 2010!
It all started last summer, after years of floundering and asking the Lord, what now? I felt Him drop April into my spirit. I knew my current lease would be up at the end of April and so I figured that was all it meant but it stuck... then I decided to take a few ministry courses in Kentucky School of Ministry this past fall, "just to brush up"...but then, someone confronted me about getting ordained...something I'd been holding off on because I felt that I had nothing to "show" for my license. I prayed about it...and then I applied. Long story short, I interviewed and went through the process as an ordination candidate with KY District Council of the Assemblies of God and was approved. I will be officially ordained on Wednesday, April 21, 2010.
For a couple years, I have been asking Jesus why He called me back to KY, trying to reconcile the "loss"of an entirely different dream...a calling to foreign missions, one I pursued a good part of my life until 2005. That's when I laid it all down to come to Kentucky all because the Lord put a burden and passion for my generation and for the Body of Christ in my heart. I've served in various areas of ministry...I've loved it...but I've been frustrated because this entire time...I could not work full time in ministry. So, I've been doing anything that I could get my hands on...and working full time as a secretary to support my ministry habit.
What's funny? Since being back in KY, I've begun to see that one of the strongest areas affecting this generation is the same thing I have always had passion for when working overseas... brokenness and addiction. I've served part time with a ministry called Teen Challenge off and on and then volunteered with a ministry called Church 922: A Church for this Generation. In everything I did, I began to be surrounded by people battling real addictions...people who loved the Lord...wanted to serve Him but could not seem to overcome the power of a lifecontrolling problem. I have had a growing burden to work with people in this situation...to disciple and pray with them...to help them through the healing process. I've been frustrated because that is a full time job when done right...so I was wearing myself ragged working full time and then coming home and diving into ministry. For the past year, I've basically done the minimal. I've stepped back and really evaluated everything...I've asked the Lord...what? Where? why?
That brings me to this...in February 2010 I received a very unexpected phone call to come work with Teen Challenge full time as a Program Director in a new women's center in Lexington. At first, I didn't know how I could afford it. For almost two months, I've wanted to do it and been completely overwhelmed and petrified of letting go of my comfort zone, my stability. But, I just kept hearing the Lord say...trust Me.
I'll be honest, I need two things. One, a lot of prayer...this is a new challenge and I'm sure it will be stretching. Two, I'm still lacking about $500 in monthly support to truly be effective and sharp. If you are interested in supporting me, please email me Raquel4Christ@hotmail.com and I'll fill you in on more. Thanks in advance for your support....
So, here we go...I'm leaping out into the unknown wonder of obedience...I know that God is doing something. I just want to be used by Him to further His Kingdom...in my generation...in my beloved state of Kentucky!
It all started last summer, after years of floundering and asking the Lord, what now? I felt Him drop April into my spirit. I knew my current lease would be up at the end of April and so I figured that was all it meant but it stuck... then I decided to take a few ministry courses in Kentucky School of Ministry this past fall, "just to brush up"...but then, someone confronted me about getting ordained...something I'd been holding off on because I felt that I had nothing to "show" for my license. I prayed about it...and then I applied. Long story short, I interviewed and went through the process as an ordination candidate with KY District Council of the Assemblies of God and was approved. I will be officially ordained on Wednesday, April 21, 2010.
For a couple years, I have been asking Jesus why He called me back to KY, trying to reconcile the "loss"of an entirely different dream...a calling to foreign missions, one I pursued a good part of my life until 2005. That's when I laid it all down to come to Kentucky all because the Lord put a burden and passion for my generation and for the Body of Christ in my heart. I've served in various areas of ministry...I've loved it...but I've been frustrated because this entire time...I could not work full time in ministry. So, I've been doing anything that I could get my hands on...and working full time as a secretary to support my ministry habit.
What's funny? Since being back in KY, I've begun to see that one of the strongest areas affecting this generation is the same thing I have always had passion for when working overseas... brokenness and addiction. I've served part time with a ministry called Teen Challenge off and on and then volunteered with a ministry called Church 922: A Church for this Generation. In everything I did, I began to be surrounded by people battling real addictions...people who loved the Lord...wanted to serve Him but could not seem to overcome the power of a lifecontrolling problem. I have had a growing burden to work with people in this situation...to disciple and pray with them...to help them through the healing process. I've been frustrated because that is a full time job when done right...so I was wearing myself ragged working full time and then coming home and diving into ministry. For the past year, I've basically done the minimal. I've stepped back and really evaluated everything...I've asked the Lord...what? Where? why?
That brings me to this...in February 2010 I received a very unexpected phone call to come work with Teen Challenge full time as a Program Director in a new women's center in Lexington. At first, I didn't know how I could afford it. For almost two months, I've wanted to do it and been completely overwhelmed and petrified of letting go of my comfort zone, my stability. But, I just kept hearing the Lord say...trust Me.
I'll be honest, I need two things. One, a lot of prayer...this is a new challenge and I'm sure it will be stretching. Two, I'm still lacking about $500 in monthly support to truly be effective and sharp. If you are interested in supporting me, please email me Raquel4Christ@hotmail.com and I'll fill you in on more. Thanks in advance for your support....
So, here we go...I'm leaping out into the unknown wonder of obedience...I know that God is doing something. I just want to be used by Him to further His Kingdom...in my generation...in my beloved state of Kentucky!
3.15.2010
I'm going to be ordained in April
So, tonight I had to write a bio for ordination...and this is what came out...so many things to say, but this is what I felt needed to be most prominent...it's weird summing up your life in something..
Name: Rachel M. Leonard
Education:
BS Church Ministries, Missions-Southeastern University-Lakeland,FL 2006
Certification in Spanish Language-CINCEL Language Institute-San Jose, Costa Rica Summer 2003
EVe Center-Cincinnati,OH-Biblical Peer Counselor Training-Spring 2009
KSOM Ordination Level Courses- Fall 2009
Past Positions:
KY Women's Ministries Intern-Summer 2006
Youth Minister-Full Gospel A/G Newport, KY- Fall 2006-Fall 2008
Residential Staff Priscilla's Place, Louisville, KY Summer 2007
Residential Staff Mercy Maternity Home, Erlanger, KY-Winter 2007-Fall 2007 Volunteer Prayer Team Member/Small Group leader Church 922-Erlanger, KY Fall 2007-Spring 2009
Present Ministry: Pastoral Care/Young Adult Ministry-Full Gospel A/G Summer 2009-Present
Other Info:
As a daughter of this beautiful state, there is a very special place in my heart for Kentucky and her people. I once was a ten year old little girl who responded to the Call of God at an altar in Crestwood, KY. It was at that point of commitment that my faith truly began to mature and deepen. I am thankful for my parents, Mike & Leisa Leonard, and many other men and women in this state. I would not be where I am today if you had not encouraged me and invested your time and energy into my journey of faith. Dave Amsler always said that you cannot tell the fruit of one moment of ministry until five years down the road. Well, here we are, fifteen years later, all of the seeds of discipleship and love for the lost, beginning to bear fruit in one life (Luke 8:15).
I’ve spent most of my short life preparing to live overseas as a foreign missionary. In 2005, I felt the Lord ask me to trust Him and return to Kentucky. After saying no, more than once, I finally said yes. Since then, my heart has yearned for nothing more than to see the Kingdom of God established in this state. All I desire is the opportunity to invest myself in the work of the Kingdom. I’m looking for the opportunity to do more than just a job, but to live out a calling: to empower and equip the Church to be the Heart of God exposed to the world. I long to see my generation rise up and take its place in the Kingdom; to see captives set free from addiction, abuse and ignorance. It is my desire to spend my life in the harvest field raising up harvesters to go to the ends of the earth. God is doing a new thing in Kentucky. Thus, in this moment, my harvest field is here! It is my honor to join the ranks of those harvesters who have gone before me and paved the way, that I might help bring in the harvest (John 4:34-38).
Name: Rachel M. Leonard
Education:
BS Church Ministries, Missions-Southeastern University-Lakeland,FL 2006
Certification in Spanish Language-CINCEL Language Institute-San Jose, Costa Rica Summer 2003
EVe Center-Cincinnati,OH-Biblical Peer Counselor Training-Spring 2009
KSOM Ordination Level Courses- Fall 2009
Past Positions:
KY Women's Ministries Intern-Summer 2006
Youth Minister-Full Gospel A/G Newport, KY- Fall 2006-Fall 2008
Residential Staff Priscilla's Place, Louisville, KY Summer 2007
Residential Staff Mercy Maternity Home, Erlanger, KY-Winter 2007-Fall 2007 Volunteer Prayer Team Member/Small Group leader Church 922-Erlanger, KY Fall 2007-Spring 2009
Present Ministry: Pastoral Care/Young Adult Ministry-Full Gospel A/G Summer 2009-Present
Other Info:
As a daughter of this beautiful state, there is a very special place in my heart for Kentucky and her people. I once was a ten year old little girl who responded to the Call of God at an altar in Crestwood, KY. It was at that point of commitment that my faith truly began to mature and deepen. I am thankful for my parents, Mike & Leisa Leonard, and many other men and women in this state. I would not be where I am today if you had not encouraged me and invested your time and energy into my journey of faith. Dave Amsler always said that you cannot tell the fruit of one moment of ministry until five years down the road. Well, here we are, fifteen years later, all of the seeds of discipleship and love for the lost, beginning to bear fruit in one life (Luke 8:15).
I’ve spent most of my short life preparing to live overseas as a foreign missionary. In 2005, I felt the Lord ask me to trust Him and return to Kentucky. After saying no, more than once, I finally said yes. Since then, my heart has yearned for nothing more than to see the Kingdom of God established in this state. All I desire is the opportunity to invest myself in the work of the Kingdom. I’m looking for the opportunity to do more than just a job, but to live out a calling: to empower and equip the Church to be the Heart of God exposed to the world. I long to see my generation rise up and take its place in the Kingdom; to see captives set free from addiction, abuse and ignorance. It is my desire to spend my life in the harvest field raising up harvesters to go to the ends of the earth. God is doing a new thing in Kentucky. Thus, in this moment, my harvest field is here! It is my honor to join the ranks of those harvesters who have gone before me and paved the way, that I might help bring in the harvest (John 4:34-38).
growing into my shoes :-)
When I was a little girl, I used to LOVE to play dress up! My most favorite toys were old clothes and jewlery, my mom's old cheerleading uniforms and my grandma's dancing shoes and a sheer purple cape. I always loved the accessories...especially those shoes. I remember thinking that I would never be big enough to wear those shoes...and now, here I am, a closet full of shoes, just like my dress up ones :-)Lately, I've been feeling internally, like the little girl who just realized her shoes fit. It may sound bizarre... but for years as a minister and as an adult, I still felt like a little girl playing around the ankles of the adults :-) haha. For instance, I don't know how many times I'll be talking about a situation and refer to a group of people as the the adults and not include myself. Only to catch it and have to somehow correct my statement. I still feel like a kid most days...I thought that at 25, almost 26, I'd be different. More....SOMETHING?? On the other hand, my mentality of perceived immaturity is reinforced by a world that encourages me to be young! I work with a bunch of people who are my parents' age...and whenever I say "back in the day..." they say, "you don't have a 'back in the day'" ;-)
So, lately I've found myself in situations where up until now I felt strangely like a Junior, ill-equipped and immature, but all of a sudden it's different. It seems like people look me in the eye and see a peer...not a young girl in her mother's clothes. This past year I've been through some very painful, personal growing pains... but I'm beginning to realize that I now see myself as someone who can do what God has called her to do...I am more than a little girl playing dress up...I am growing into the shoes I was born to fill...
2.10.2010
Snow...SNOW...snow...SNOOOOOWW!
It's snowing...think we have almost a foot of the love white dust by now. It seems like snow has been our very existence this past week. We stay up late to check the news for the latest weather forecast and get the wonderful news...yes, indeed, more snow in the forecast for tomorrow. We wake up early and look outside and discover...the weather man is actually right...AGAIN! So we bundle up and clean off our cars and go to work...come home and shovel to get in the driveway... and go inside and stay warm the rest the night...and the cycle repeats. ah...the adult life :-) LONG GONE are the days of wishing for the (non-existent) snow day...sledding and building snowmen. Hopefully, that season will come again when I have a passel of little ones...but for now, snow makes me tired. It's beautiful to look at, but on mornings like today, I just want to stay inside bundle in my warm covers...and then nestled on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea.
It's winter. That's just a fact of life :-) Lately, it's been a lot of work to stay focused on the fact that spring is coming and that no matter what God is good. I keep thinking of Ecclesiates where Solomon basically reminds us over and over...there's a time for everything...to everything there is a season. And every season has a purpose. I've always had an affinity for nature and trees...I love to be outside and I find the natural process of things so fascinating. Recently, I was reading that the in winter, trees grow and develop the most...their roots go down deep, deep, deep into the soil. They soak up nutrients and the bark thickens, fortifying it against the storms that come in every season...making it stronger and taller. They rest. But ironically, that very same tree looks almost dead in the process of winter. It has no leaves, no fruit... So, as I was reading it, the Lord was like, Rachel...this is not only winter in the natural...for you, it is winter in your spirit...hold fast to Me...sink your roots down deep into My Love... know that in every winter, there's a promise of spring and summer :-)
So, right now, I cling to the promise of spring...I am in the midst of a very long, harsh winter of the soul... but spring comes...as sure as the sun rises...and God is faithful even when blizzard winds blow and I am stripped...
When I was in high school, I used to sing this Crystal Lewis song. I had forgotten it until the other night...it's called "Seasons Change". Here are the lyrics...
**copyright Crystal Lewis
Are you going through a dry spell
Yes I've been there before
Where the trees are slowly withering
Where their roots cry out for more
Where the desert floor is dry and cracked
No clouds hand in the sky
No winter rain or spring it seems
No change in sight
(Chorus)
But seasons change
And then they pass
No way to know how long they'll lastI'd love to know the reason why
But God knows
Seasons change
Are you going through a dry spell
I've been there a time or two
Where life seems to stay the same for awhile
You want to change but don't know how to
It's the place where you feel empty inside
Can't put your finger on the need
I look at God and see what I want to be
I look at me and see what I am (Chorus)
Are you going through a dry spell
I was there awhile ago
Now I've come to a place where the rain falls
Where the trees bear fruit and grow
Where I find a refuge in my God
It's a place of surrender I know
I look at God and see what I want to be
He looks at me and sees His own (Chorus)**
My dad gave me the greatest little thing for Christmas it says, "Sometimes you don't feel like singing...SING ANYWAY!" So, I decided to sing a song from my favorite Christmas movie, "White Christmas"...hence the title of this entry... :-)
It's winter. That's just a fact of life :-) Lately, it's been a lot of work to stay focused on the fact that spring is coming and that no matter what God is good. I keep thinking of Ecclesiates where Solomon basically reminds us over and over...there's a time for everything...to everything there is a season. And every season has a purpose. I've always had an affinity for nature and trees...I love to be outside and I find the natural process of things so fascinating. Recently, I was reading that the in winter, trees grow and develop the most...their roots go down deep, deep, deep into the soil. They soak up nutrients and the bark thickens, fortifying it against the storms that come in every season...making it stronger and taller. They rest. But ironically, that very same tree looks almost dead in the process of winter. It has no leaves, no fruit... So, as I was reading it, the Lord was like, Rachel...this is not only winter in the natural...for you, it is winter in your spirit...hold fast to Me...sink your roots down deep into My Love... know that in every winter, there's a promise of spring and summer :-)
So, right now, I cling to the promise of spring...I am in the midst of a very long, harsh winter of the soul... but spring comes...as sure as the sun rises...and God is faithful even when blizzard winds blow and I am stripped...
When I was in high school, I used to sing this Crystal Lewis song. I had forgotten it until the other night...it's called "Seasons Change". Here are the lyrics...
**copyright Crystal Lewis
Are you going through a dry spell
Yes I've been there before
Where the trees are slowly withering
Where their roots cry out for more
Where the desert floor is dry and cracked
No clouds hand in the sky
No winter rain or spring it seems
No change in sight
(Chorus)
But seasons change
And then they pass
No way to know how long they'll lastI'd love to know the reason why
But God knows
Seasons change
Are you going through a dry spell
I've been there a time or two
Where life seems to stay the same for awhile
You want to change but don't know how to
It's the place where you feel empty inside
Can't put your finger on the need
I look at God and see what I want to be
I look at me and see what I am (Chorus)
Are you going through a dry spell
I was there awhile ago
Now I've come to a place where the rain falls
Where the trees bear fruit and grow
Where I find a refuge in my God
It's a place of surrender I know
I look at God and see what I want to be
He looks at me and sees His own (Chorus)**
My dad gave me the greatest little thing for Christmas it says, "Sometimes you don't feel like singing...SING ANYWAY!" So, I decided to sing a song from my favorite Christmas movie, "White Christmas"...hence the title of this entry... :-)
11.22.2009
i love sundays :-)
Lately, I'm beginning to realize how much I love my church family. I love worshipping with the same people every week and sharing my life with them.
For years I thought that I had to try and make my church change. I had all of these visions of having a cool church...one with all of the amenities, lots of people and loads of resources. Sure, that would be nice. I read all kinds of books on leadership and church growth, attended conferences and even studied it in school... but now I find myself wondering...why? What's the big deal about changing culture, the fabric of a beautiful loving church? Why do we need to be more relevant? The Gospel is the Gospel...it never changes. I am finally beginning to see that the beauty of this little urban church is that it is real, authenic, genuine. It is imperfect...but lovely.
My mom has always quoted the Velveteen Rabbit to me ever since I was a little girl. There's a part in the story when the rabbit is talking to the old rocking horse about being real. The horse says that one becomes real when all of the fur is rubbed off from too much hugging and it is worn out from many years of play. I say...real genuine church is people being real before Jesus and each other. It's not in the packaging or the image...
I love my little church full of love. God is moving in our times together....and when we are apart...we are growing. I love watching Jesus work in us. Soon, He will be working through us...
For years I thought that I had to try and make my church change. I had all of these visions of having a cool church...one with all of the amenities, lots of people and loads of resources. Sure, that would be nice. I read all kinds of books on leadership and church growth, attended conferences and even studied it in school... but now I find myself wondering...why? What's the big deal about changing culture, the fabric of a beautiful loving church? Why do we need to be more relevant? The Gospel is the Gospel...it never changes. I am finally beginning to see that the beauty of this little urban church is that it is real, authenic, genuine. It is imperfect...but lovely.
My mom has always quoted the Velveteen Rabbit to me ever since I was a little girl. There's a part in the story when the rabbit is talking to the old rocking horse about being real. The horse says that one becomes real when all of the fur is rubbed off from too much hugging and it is worn out from many years of play. I say...real genuine church is people being real before Jesus and each other. It's not in the packaging or the image...
I love my little church full of love. God is moving in our times together....and when we are apart...we are growing. I love watching Jesus work in us. Soon, He will be working through us...
11.21.2009
Just a "needed" non-day...
I have done absolutely nothing today. Really. I'm not kidding. Nothing. Wben it got dark a couple hours ago, I suddenly found myself regretting the loss of a day. It feels like a non-day. And I don't like non-days :-) However, in my attempts to feel better about my complete and utter laziness...I have not had a true day off for a very long time. It's been at least a month of weekends out of town and weeks full of flu/flu shots and after work meetings. So, I tell myself...just relax. Ha! Easier said than done...I don't like the feeling of laziness...unproductiveness.
On another note, yesterday at work, while doing my most favorite job ever...filing loose papers (the worst of the worst filing because I always put it off for months and then on a slow-er Friday, I have loads of papers to file), I had a moment of truth. You see, lately I've been feeling like life is a whole lot of daily...yes, the get up early, go to work, work all day, run a few errands, come home after dark, go to bed and do the same thing tall over again the next day type deal. I always say I want to be a writer, but then I always say I have nothing to say...that hasn't already been said. So somewhere between the H's and the M's, I decided...I'm going to start blogging again... I have so many thoughts every day...that if for no one else but me, need to be articulated.
Then, on a whim, I decided I had to get out and DO something social for once on a Friday night...and we went to the cheap theater. We had nachos and popcorn for dinner and sat on the back row... The movie: Julie & Julia...a movie about a disenchanted almost thirty something woman from Queens who loves to cook and who is a closet write that doesn't believe in herself who finally decides to complete something! She decides to attempt to make all 524 recipes in Julia Childs' cookbook in 365 days and blog about it. It changes her life...as simple and mundane as it sounds... she finds herself and rediscovers the richness of her marriage and her greatest treasures over the year's time. Her love for Julia Childs' cookbook also tells Julia's story which took place about 50 years prior to Julie's. It's a lovely, unique film, refreshingly different than anything out there right now...that's for sure.
Anyway, I just found it ironic that the same day that I decided to re-engage my blog, I happen upon another woman's (true) story of self-discovery and enrichment through blogging. So, here I am...it's been a very long non-day...but I'm here... Today, I do not have much to say, but tomorrow is certainly another day. And not a non-day, tomorrow I will be with the people I love most...at least some of them...and I will celebrate the life that God has given me... I look forward to another day...
On another note, yesterday at work, while doing my most favorite job ever...filing loose papers (the worst of the worst filing because I always put it off for months and then on a slow-er Friday, I have loads of papers to file), I had a moment of truth. You see, lately I've been feeling like life is a whole lot of daily...yes, the get up early, go to work, work all day, run a few errands, come home after dark, go to bed and do the same thing tall over again the next day type deal. I always say I want to be a writer, but then I always say I have nothing to say...that hasn't already been said. So somewhere between the H's and the M's, I decided...I'm going to start blogging again... I have so many thoughts every day...that if for no one else but me, need to be articulated.
Then, on a whim, I decided I had to get out and DO something social for once on a Friday night...and we went to the cheap theater. We had nachos and popcorn for dinner and sat on the back row... The movie: Julie & Julia...a movie about a disenchanted almost thirty something woman from Queens who loves to cook and who is a closet write that doesn't believe in herself who finally decides to complete something! She decides to attempt to make all 524 recipes in Julia Childs' cookbook in 365 days and blog about it. It changes her life...as simple and mundane as it sounds... she finds herself and rediscovers the richness of her marriage and her greatest treasures over the year's time. Her love for Julia Childs' cookbook also tells Julia's story which took place about 50 years prior to Julie's. It's a lovely, unique film, refreshingly different than anything out there right now...that's for sure.
Anyway, I just found it ironic that the same day that I decided to re-engage my blog, I happen upon another woman's (true) story of self-discovery and enrichment through blogging. So, here I am...it's been a very long non-day...but I'm here... Today, I do not have much to say, but tomorrow is certainly another day. And not a non-day, tomorrow I will be with the people I love most...at least some of them...and I will celebrate the life that God has given me... I look forward to another day...
7.11.2009
reflections on the kind of woman i want to be... (feb 12 09)
esther is my favorits bc she is an example of a beautiful woman who knew where her true beauty came from! She also submitted to a long process of becoming her best for the king. she was dedicated to purity and intimacy with the Lord .Her heart was at rest. She aws strong. She faced intense controversy and she stood in the gap for the salvation of her generation and she led a people to do the same.she went boldly before the king as a woman, not a man. she sought justice and she put herself in danger in order to see it come about. she used the authority and position that God gave her for His glory and not her own. And God blessed her for it! I love the story bc she is one of my heroes.I hope to emulate her. Take another look! God dedicated an entire book on her story in His Story for a reason :-) Prov 12 4
i long for summer... (april 18, 2009)
**wow...so i woke up thinking about this blog i wrote last spring and went to read it... it was almost a year ago to the day. it's weird how life kind of repeats itself every year even though circumstances and friendships are different... and it's also so beautiful to read this prayer and see the answers from praying it last year...the cry of my heart... is to know Him and to make Him known in every season**Spring is slow in coming…winter wants to hold on…but it's inevitable, the sunshine will return, the leaves will grow back…flowers will blooms again. Soon.Just as the seasons change, I'm ready for my sunshine to come. I've spent the winter waiting…waiting…waiting. I haven't lost hope…but I'm getting weary…the sunshine must break the clouds soon. My soul longs for the nourishment of long summer days. Hiking deep into the heart of the woods, nights around the camp fire, lazy afternoons laying in the sun with a good book. Smiles and flip flops… dancing to guitars in open fields… I need the life of summer. I need to see fruit in my life…really. I need the breakthrough. I need the phone call, I need the email, I need the offer I can't refuse. I need to know I'm not running this race alone…the close, slow dance…I need the strength behind another's eyes…the warmth of stronger arms and calloused touch of worn hands. I need to know that my work is not in vain…I need to see the seeds begin to push up through the ground. I need to know that my dreams are God breathed and given and not empty and of my own making. I need to know that who I am is enough…not lacking anything. I need to rest in being beautiful…I need to believe people when they tell me that I'm beautiful.I need new life…to get unstuck…to produce. I long for children…my own…I long for disciples…I long for a home that I can keep and care for…someone to cook for…someone to rest in. I long for the comfort of knowing that the burden is not mine alone.I love what I do…when I'm not being paid…I wish I could do it for free! I love loving people who do not know what it means to be loved unconditionally. I hate when my love reaches its limits…I hate when I spend myself…and run out of strength…hoping to be renewed with summer…and still don't see the sun peaking through..I long for adventure…I long to share the journey…without fearing hurt…without fearing breaking my heart… I'm weary of being strong all the time…and not being honest when I want to…I long for summer…
tag! you're it...
when i was a little girl i used to be a fast runner, in fact the boys used to pick me for their team in first and second grade when we would play chase because i was faster than them and they could never catch me, so they figured they'd just get me on their team and i'd help them win. haha... as i got older the game of tag and chase became less and less fun because i started to hate running. that's changing again..the thing about running is that it's a discipline. in order to be good at it, you have to do it consistently...to be fast or to be able to run for long distances...you have to run every day. you have to eat right, sleep right, stretch right, and just keep running. when we stop doing the little things right and consistently, the big things like running become harder to do...and one's passion becomes nonexistent.last night, steve preached about the chase...and he was talking about God and how He will sometimes come and touch us deeply...and say "tag you're it" and we're like, hey! come back!! and so we start chasing Him.... the experience of His Presence, His Voice, His Hand...it motivates to get off our butts, out of our comfort zone...off the fence... and chase after MORE! it's when get tired of running, we stop doing the little things that keep our endurance up that makes all the difference in the chase. when we start focusing more on what others think about us, or on our tangible role/position in life, our possessions and our status... when we start looking at our place in the race...or the other runners...or we take our eyes off of Jesus for just a moment...it's over. we lose sight of our Purpose and then we get lost... soon, we just sit down on the side of the road and take a breather... we chill out and then pretty soon, we forget we were even running....and why!recently, i had a "tag you're it" experience at my desk at work...it floored me :-) i was just sitting there and all of a sudden the Presence of God was just there! all over and around me...and it just made me want more!! lately it's like He just keeps going...come on, i'm over here...keep coming...a little further...just keep running... and then i catch Him...or He tags me...and bam He's off again...beckoning me...a little further...beyond my comfort zone...over the guard rail...into the wide open spaces of His unknown....i'm removing my guard rails...look out...here i come...
real love (may 2009)
it's been said that "the one with the most power/security in a relationship is the one who loves the least." hm...so i guess that basic premise means that we shouldn't love at all...that we should hold everyone at bay and let them love us...but that we should never just dive in headfirst and go after it... that we should never truly love. BECAUSE whoever loves...will get hurt...and will be rendered powerless in the loving and be left alone in the end. well, maybe that's not what you hear when you read that saying...but that's what i hear.for so long, i've lived with that motto in the back of my mind. and yet, i always try to defy the odds. every time i dive in head first...lose myself in loving...i get hurt...and i find that no one can love me back as much as i love them. of course, i guess, it all depends on why i'm loving in the first place, am i loving people to get loved back? hmmm...essentially, yes...i'm human. that means that there really is not a selfless bone in my body...so even though i do love people and i love them truly with my whole heart...somewhere deep inside, i love them because i want them to love me back. and every time i've loved for that reason, i've lost. i've deeply loved...i've paid for the rollercoaster, i've buckled up next to people and held on for dear life... and when the ride is over...it seems like everyone gets off the ride, except me...and i just keep riding... like i can't get off the ride...my buckle is stuck... haha.but there's another saying about love...well, actually quite a few sayings, but this one in particular stands out to me..."Greater love has no man than this, than that he lay down his life for his friends." that's right...um, Jesus said that...in John 15 just before he was to be crucified :-) ouch. and He also went on to say, if you love me, you'll obey my commandments...and we've all heard it said "do as i say, not as i do." but Jesus was the only one who could say..."do as i do, not just as i say." HE DID IT! and he died for it :-) and did he gain our love???? nope. not really. i mean, He gained our gratitude, He gained our sugar daddy in the sky mentality...but sometimes i think,,,,did He gain our love? Jesus died (and rose from the dead :-) so that we could KNOW Him and LOVE Him... He got on the ride with us...He lived in a sinful world, was tempted at all points...but yet did not sin!!! how...?? who knows...but HE DID IT! and He faced the ultiimate rejection in His love... and yet He kept on loving... He still loves us in our fickle love. and He calls us to LOVE AS HE LOVED.most often, i'm like, um no...that hurts and i don't wanna. but that's what it is... if we are His disciples, we are to take up our cross and follow Him...all the way through the journey...God, give us that kind of love in our hearts...let us love unconditionally. help us live our lives without fear of rejection so that we may love as You first loved us! and give us the grace to face that rejection because You did..and you said if they did it to You, they'll do it to us. forgive us for loving only when it's convenient. forgive us for running and hiding when we should be standing firm and loving beyond our emotions. forgive me for feeling sorry for myself when everyone gets off the rollercoaster and leaves me buckled in. God, my life is not my own any longer...i was bought with a price...Your life for mine... Holy Spirit, give me the grace to love like You love...
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