A needle in a pile of needles...

So, I've been In Springfield for two months... Life has been good. If not overwhelming. New town. New home. New job. New church. New friends... I've been thrilled because I'm certain being right where I need to be... Over these past few weeks ice felt like I've been riding an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes... I just get tired of being the "new girl" everywhere I go. I've been telling myself that it will get better, and it has been slowly getting better. Who would have thought a girl go through culture shock just moving to Springfield? Sometimes I have found myself just wishing for something...someone familiar. Haha, at times I've rejoiced over wandering through Dillon's, a Kroger owned store chain, it has a hint of home in it... A friend of mine has been telling me to give myself grace...I'm really trying...really! Sometimes it would be nice to just get a good warm, familiar family/friend hug!!! No words, just someone elses strength.

On that note, I am really excited about the new community God is planting me in :-) 20twenty is unlike any church I've ever been privileged to be a part of... More on that later...

I've been reflecting ;-)when I was in college, I had a friend who compared our season of training together to being "a needle in a stack of needles" ... You see she was talking about coming from home where finding like-minded, talented leader types was like finding a needle in a haystack...she was unique, she stood out...everyone loved her, but at Southeastern she was just like everyone else...speared trying to lead a bunch of leaders. As our conversation continued, we discussed how sometimes leaders just need to learn to follow. Right now, I find myself back in that place ...being a leader with a lot of leaders. I'm trying to learn the art of leading myself, being myself ... While still being willing to humble myself and be led. Truth be told, i like following ... When i trust my leader (which i do, probably for the first time in my life) I'm trying to find my way to that place where I'm being true to the call of God and the leadership God has placed in my life. It's not always easy or comfortable, but it's exciting because I'm part of something bigger than myself...something I truly believe in... This is where I am supposed to be. This is the Body of Christ, no big I's & little you's...we all have roles to fill...the purpose is to find that role and To fill it with all your might...so here I go!

Community: My Mama told me...

"In order to have friends, one must show oneself friendly..." I know that's in the Bible somewhere...but to be honest, I'm not sure where it is at this moment?

I've lived my whole life trying to live by that principle. It seems simple enough... the unstated expectation is that being friendly should bring about long-lasting, life-giving friendship but...not so much! Honestly, I've found that when I genuinely offer my friendship to others, it is rare to have it reciprocated in kind. Especially within the Christian world, we're good at the initial expression... Maybe. But when it all boils down, it is awkward or uncomfortable to truly connect...we'd rather have 998 Facebook friends and tell 2345 followers on Twitter what we had for breakfast. I recently took a sabbatical from Facebook and it took most of my friends almost a month to notice! Community has become a cultural buzzword... One that I doubt this generation truly understands.

Loneliness is one of the most prevalent problems of our day...even though we are the most socially-networked people in history. What is community? What is the difference between a clique and community?

I think community requires much more from Us than what most people are willing to offer. It requires being present to people... Even when we things on our agenda...or when we feel uncomfortable...it is praying for & reaching out to someone outside of the social scene. Community is a commitment to accountability ... A willingness to receive criticism & correction, as well as to offer it when necessary. Community is inconvenient. Most of us are only cool with community when we choose it...thus can be seen in how we choose out churches, "it just doesn't 't have what I'm looking for...I wasn't getting fed..." it 's still about me...not about you...or God, for that matter...

But what happens when God calls an individual into a community? What happens when the "Golden Rule" of community doesn't work?What if people reject one's friendliness or at least do not reciprocate it? How does someone continue to be in community? Community is awkward. I wish I knees how to get people to take interest beyond the surface?

Whatever happened to...be a father to the fatherless & husband to the widow? just sayin'.

My heart is SO full... Jesus is incredible! I don't know if you've ever experienced the love of God in a tangible way...I have. It is a daily occurrence. For many Years I have "served" the Lord. But God's love is deep...my relationship is so much more than servanthood and even friendship...it is a romance.

It is the subtle glances,the sweet unexpected stolen moments, the whispers of love and gentle caresses that keep love alive. And then every so often, there are the moments to revel in...the moments that go in one's journal...the moments that overwhelm your senses leaving you breathless...your mind racing...in those moments, your heart snaps a photograph... You will always cling to that moment as precious...

Love can become familiar and routine...and that is dangerous. Loving someone is as much about the daily things as the grand gestures...the roles we play in one another's lives. Protection. Comfort. Nurture. Provision. Those roles are a faithful expression...a daily statement of "I love you. I am yours and you are mine." As humans, we tend to settle into the dailyness of loving each other practically and forget about the romance...

Walking with Jesus can become like that...loving Him can be more about what we do than about being together...listening to each other...being near each other...

So whenever a moment comes along to revel in the romance...it deepens the daily. I love to experience that romance :-) it is heavenly (no pun intended) I recently had a precious encounter with Jesus... So unexpected and sweet. If you've never known God's love...NOTHING compares to it... I pray that you will go after Jesus, actually, take time to listen...he is pursuing you, whether you know it or not. Let Him love you...respond to His great love! It will mess you up...

The "God's Will Game" is No Game :-)

So ... I have been going through a major shift in plans! There has been so much uncertainty along the way... I wanted to wait to spill the beans until I knew everything was definite. I am mostly packed and I an planning to move in the morning so I think it is safe to share now :-)

I am no longer moving to CA to go to Fuller, I am heading to Springfield, MO to attend the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary! It's funny how God brings us full circle with ourselves and His plans. I am of the the notion that God has a perfect and permissive will. Whe we live our lives God-ward...our hearts and minds focused on pleasing Him, He leads us. However, as I have experienced, there are occasional forks in the road where it seems like I ask God, "which way now?" and He says,"which do you want to go, daughter?"of course, God's will is one of those deep theological topics that none of us are ever quite sure of. There have been a few places in my life like thar so far...almost like Father God says,"Rachel, I AM with you...I AM leading you...choose a direction, either way you choose, My Will us going to be accomplished."

Now don't write a doctrinal statement on my life experience...but here is where the mystery takes place...Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." it is almost like our Father enjoys letting us choose the adventure We ant and then He holds our hand and tweaks the journey as we go. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of attending a certain school, Evangel University. I was going to major in Spanish Ed, meet and marry a missionary ...we would have 4 kids and change the world! :-) the problem was that when choosing a college, I visited said school and felt zero peace about it. Instead, the Lord led me to Southeastern. I did not study Spanish Ed... I tried Education ... But ended up studying missions. There were several springs in my time there, but no rings :-) I had it in mind to hit the map and to start blazing a trail through all of the nations in my heart ...but God. He stopped me just before graduation and said ... "Will you return to KY (home)?" after saying no three times,I went home. After choosing KY, I also felt a leading to get my M. Div at AGTS but ... That required living in "Misery" and I was called to KY ... So that was a no-go :-) fast forward 5+ years...getting licensed and ordained with the KY Ministry Network...a 2 year urban youth pastor position, a maternity home season, a couple times with Teen Challenge...a season of church revitalization attempts... Working with an awesome church plant that is focused on reaching MY generation... Meeting a slew of amazing, unique and completely raw friends...applying to and being accepted at Asbury, Xavier & Fuller ...

Now here I am...a couple of months ago, in the midst of my striving to move to Pasadena, I felt the Lord take my hand and say, "wait, slow down...I showed you where to go a long tine ago." So, I started re-applying to AGTS. That's when things started moving pretty fast. I spent last week in Springfield...and it was the opposite of misery...it felt like that place called "there" that I've been searching for ... Long story short... When God is in it, He provides...in the last three hours of the last day in Springfield, I was hired to work for a Great organization and got a cute little apartment... I have packed my car and mom's as tight as they can be and tomorrow we launch out for Springfield!!

Something else pretty cool...God is into details :-) there is a major consolidation process taking place with three schools in Springfield, including AGTS, if all goes as is expected... I will probably be graduating from Evangel after all :-)

My heart is full... I have so much to share... I will just have to get back into the swing of posting on here!

I WANT THE CROSS!

Every year when Easter comes, I think about the cross...if I can make it through the Passion of the Christ, I try to spend time reflecting on what Jesus did at the cross...

The other day I thought about something...
Jesus died so that He could be raised from the dead.
COOL!

Wait, hold on, He died for my sins? The wages of sin is death, right?
So, Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to die...right?
But everyone still dies...
Ok, Rachel, really? What about John 3:16? It says that anyone who believes in Him will not perish (die) but have ETERNAL life..
Very Metaphysical...

What about this...?
"Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." Luke 9:23-24


And, this...
"For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!" Phil. 3:9-11


It seems that about every 6 hours over the past few weeks I have been hearing these two verses. And I must admit that I often wrestle with how they are worked out in my life...

Jesus loves me, THIS I know.
Jesus died on the cross for my sins.
Jesus died so that He could be raised from the dead...in power!
Jesus died so that I could live...but...
Jesus died so that I could die?
Jesus was raised from the dead...so that I could be raised from the dead...

WAIT, I'm dead? How am I dead...I'm writing this blog...
 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthian 1:18

Let me work through my thoughts...

• Jesus died to the POWER of sin (ultimate death, separation from God, immorality) ...
• His resurrection showed that JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL THAN SIN!
• When, I accept Jesus as my LORD, I have to die to my sinful nature...
• I, in essence, lose my own personal sovereignty and give Him control...
• In return for my "death" to sin, Jesus gives me the same POWER OVER SIN!!
• The SAME power that RAISED CHRIST from the dead...
• DWELLS...resides and has AUTHORITY...in ME...and you (if Jesus is your Lord)

COOL! (for lack of a better word)

 

 So, I have to choose to walk in submission to the authority of Jesus Christ...

That is the key to victory...

I have to be so..."into who HE IS, that I step away from who I am..."

(thank you, Steve Axtell)

 

I find myself in a crux...I know what I am to do...but I am SO quick to forget...

 

How do I deny myself, take up my cross and follow Jesus daily?

What does that look like?

 

My prayer must become...I WANT THE CROSS... I want to live in the victory of death to sin... I must choose to EMBRACE Christ's deliberate decision to lay His life down...and lay mine down... in meekness (controlled power)...submission to the greater Authority ... Christ in me...my HOPE

• I must serve instead of looking to be served
• I must deny my need to be "right"
• I must deny my "right" to be heard or get even
• I must choose to stand firm on TRUTH not on societal norms
• I must be willing to be a peacemaker even when I'm the brunt of the attack
• I must be willing to prefer my brother/sister even when they despise me
• I must be willing to suffer for the sake of being right before God...rather than men...even when those men are my brothers...
• I must be willing to walk by faith, not by sight...
• I must be willing to become less so that Jesus and His LOVE may be put on display and become more!

 

...I WANT THE CROSS! Oh that each day would be lived out embracing a lifestyle of submission to His authority... Teach me, Jesus...help me walk this out...

Why Do We Hide?

Genesis 3:1-10 (The Message)


The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"

The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"

The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."

When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.

Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.

When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.

God called to the Man: "Where are you?"

He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."

So I read this passage this weekend and something struck me. I have read this story probably a couple hundred times and discussed many more times. However, I never thought about this fact...

Prior to eating the fruit from the tree of good & evil, God saw Adam and Eve as they were...but Adam and Eve saw themselves as God viewed them...as His children. In the instant that it took to crunch into that apple (or whatever kind of fruit it was), they saw themselves...as un-God-like...They realized the vastness of God...they realized how BIG He is versus how small they were... I think that "naked" must be both literal and spiritual here. In their nakedness, they saw their human-ness. They recognized that they were no longer immortal, but finite...while God is infinite.

Perhaps, as we look at this passage and we consider our need to hide...the fact that we often run from God...we see that we are much like Adam and Eve. Deep within our soul, we know that God is separate...He is holy...there is an other-worldliness to Him...

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a special love for the Chronicles of Narnia. I love the mystery, the whisper that we were created for another world... I envision that Adam and Eve walked through the Garden of Eden in the cool of the day, just as Lucy and Susan walked with Aslan. Their was a deep companionship, an understanding of the authority Aslan had given to them alone...no other creature was as priviledged as the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve.... no other creature was as priviledges as Adam and Eve...they walked with God...they saw His Face, His Voice was the most familiar Voice. And in the instant of recognizing their nakedness...they suddenly understood all that they had lost... Intimacy with Creator God...

Why do we hide? Because we see our own nakedness, our own sense of insignificance...we recognize our shortcomings and our inability to be whole in our own selves... and we look for ways to cover up...to hide...in hopes that God will not see us...will not see our lack.

But we forget, we fail to recognize...God has always seen us as naked...and yet He loved us. Just like a father who holds his infant for the first time...suddenly he realizes the power that he has to either protect or harm his little one...there is an intrinsic love that washes over a father and a mother...they recognize their world is not just about themselves anymore...God loves us more than that...

Anticipating Rejection...

**I wrote this a few days ago and chickened out before posting...more to come...this is a journey in transparency...

An open rebuke

is better than hidden love!

Proverbs 27:5 (NLT)

A couple of years ago, a friend of mine quoted this verse to me...little did he know that verse would stick deep into my soul and cling to me like barbed wire... Of course, this verse is talking about care-fronting someone with the truth, even when it is inconvenient and uncomfortable...even if it puts your friendship in jeopardy.

However, there is a personal application that seems to be what causes this verse to reverberate through my core. For me, the meaning has a lot more to do with the "hidden love" part. I have never liked confrontation, when I was an RA in college and I had to confront people, it was VERY tough...but I would eventually work up the nerve and approach that person. Life is full of loving confrontation...alas, confrontation is unavoidable...especially if you really care about someone...sommetimes you just have to gently and lovingly point out their blindspot, for their own good. I have found that confrontation usually ends in one of two ways...

The first possible ending is that a friend or loved one will have an open heart and mind, they receive the rebuke and all is well again.

The second is probably the thing that everyone fears most about confrontation...rejection. Oh, rejection, the m'lady of the ages... the root word is a verb: to reject...defined as follows
1. to refuse to accept, acknowledge, use, believe, etc

2. to throw out as useless or worthless; discard

3. to rebuff (a person)

We all know that it much easier to reject (a verb) than to be on the receiving end of the noun, a state of being...and situation to be experienced...called rejection. Rejection, the act of being not accepted or acknowledged, being thrown out and made to feel useless or worthless...being discarded (or even disregarded as not a viable option)... We have all had ideas rejected. We have all had our resume or experience disregarded as non-applicable. We have all had our vulnerability thrown back in our face... Rejection is a place no one wants to visit and many people who do visit rejection find it difficult to return to assertiveness...

Ok, enough of my philosophical ramblings about rejection..I'm sure you get the point, it hurts and no one wants to be rejected, period. Hence the reason many people avoid confrontation.

So the first option is acceptance, the second option is rejection. Is there a third option? Quite possibly so. I have experienced that upon occasion, someone initially will reject the person that is confronting them, but eventually, after processing the information...they come to the conclusion that, yes, there is truth to their friend's assertion. Which brings me closer to my title...

A couple of years ago, another friend of mine made a very blunt statement (which is typical of her brutally honest, loving self)...she said (and I quote).

"Rachel, you tend to anticipate rejection."

Period. That was it. She did not even pose it as a question! And I, of course, immediately agreed with her. She is someone I trust dearly and we happened to be chatting about matters of the heart and I was trying to analyze myself (something I tend to do overly frequently). And it soon became something I was comfortable saying about myself...YET, I never took the time to process the concept of what it means...to anticipate rejection...

Lately, I have been doing a lot of people watching...  I have noticed that most mature adults, especially those is committed healthy relationships, tend to trust people more easily...they tend to be vulnerable...they tend to let others know what is really going on inside of them...and they tend to do it as easily as taking a breath. I have found myself asking the question, how DO they do that? Please note that I used the words mature adults and healthy relationships (I am not so naive as to think all adults do this with ease).  But, I'm learning that vulnerable and open communication and trust are a must in relationships.

Don't get me wrong, I am very good at giving people a glimpse into me...when it is necessary. I work with people...it is my passion...helping people find themselves, helping them find the Lord...helping them connect with His purpose... that is what I LOVE to do. However, in recent years, I have noticed (when I allow myself to be aware) that there is a vast difference between the things I know about others and what I allow them to know about me. I will share, but in a vague way, leave-it-to-your-own-interpretation kind of way...in a way that helps others, not in a way that helps me. There is a great divide...a chasm between my heart (the dreams, longings and desires that I keep locked away inside) and living up to the expectations and needs of others. Not a problem, you say? Well, boundaries are good, but hiding...not so good. There! I said it...I hide. AND, I think I hide because I am anticipating rejection...

According to dictionary.com, to anticipate means...

–verb (used with object)

1. to realize beforehand; foretaste or foresee: to anticipate pleasure.
2. to expect; look forward to; be sure of: to anticipate a favorable decision.
3. to perform (an action) before another has had time to act.
4. to answer (a question), obey (a command), or satisfy (a request) before it is made: He anticipated each of my orders.
5. to nullify, prevent, or forestall by taking countermeasures in advance: to anticipate a military attack.
6. to consider or mention before the proper time: to anticipate more difficult questions.
7. to be before (another) in doing, thinking, achieving, etc.: Many modern inventions were anticipated by Leonardo da Vinci.
–verb (used without object)
9. to think, speak, act, or feel an emotional response in advance.


When I looked it up, I realized how very much I do anticipate rejection. Anticipation is actually, and usually, a positive experience, something that intensifies pleasure. However, when juxtaposed with the word rejection, it is anticlimatic.Big words...I know :-) Basically, somewhere in between the concept of anticipating and the concept of rejection...there is a major fleeing sensation...a need to run for cover...and most accurately can become a deep sense of impending doom.  Alright, drama queen, get to the point, right?
 
It is a powerful and ugly action too.What is absolutely ridiculous about this whole thing is that...I can say with full confidence that 99.9% of the time, people LOVE me. It's really bizarre because I can still remember being the new girl in kindergarten, I remember hiding. My first day of school, we went to recess and the other kids wanted to play with me but I turned my back to the playground, pressed my face against the chain-link fence and cried, the entire time! (Before you feel sorry for me, I did eventually make friend and I loved recess).  Then again, in 7th grade, the worst  school year ever, I had a girl named Angel (the antithesis of her name) who tormented me for months...she loved making fun of my face. Even in high school, I'll never forget when I took a friend with me to summer camp right before my senior year and she asked me why I was so different outside of school... You see, outside of school/society, I was the darling...everyone in the church world loved me... I was known for talking too much, etc. But at school , I made it my goal to be invisible...oh, I was always present...in fact, I was even involved in leadership all across campus... but I never let anyone into my heart. I gave and gave and lived to meet others expectations...to the point of pain.
 
Interestingly enough, I've often wrestled with the opposing question, "Do people only  love me because of what I do for them?" What if I stopped being the "yes" woman...the to "go-to" person for everything (which I truly enjoy by the way).
 
I don't know if I am making any sense here...but I'm getting to the point...perhaps the area that has suffered the most from this anticipating rejection problem has been .... drumroll, please...trumpets (dundududAH)...my love life! Or, perhaps, more aptly put, my lack of a love life.  I have always, ALWAYS heard this phrase (most often from men I admire)...
 

"Rachel, you are such an amazing woman...a gem, a treasure, a precious prize... (insert your own flattering remark)...you will make some man an amazing wife someday..."

 

And I think to myself...why thank you...why not you? Well, that was back in the day when I actually allowed myself to have close male friendships :-) Let's call that long season, the season of the broken heart... I'm sure this may sound like bitterness, but I assure you it is not... it was once...now what you hear in my voice is a questioning, uncertainty...why?

 

Let's back up, I always received those kinds of compliments because I was everything to these men...basically a third arm... I knew their thoughts and would finish their sentences... I loved them...genuinely, as truly as a friend could...because that's what I am supposed to do as a sister in Christ... but my feelings almost always transitioned into more... I made the mistake, once, of actually telling one of these dear men how I felt...and I will never do that again... he was the first of several heartbreaking friendships...platonic, one-sided friendships.

 

I am not still nursing those experiences, but they have been my reality, thus far, in my 26 years... I so wish that things were different, I wish that I had been able to experience godly Christian men in a way that still leaves my heart open...vulnerable.  However, in recent years, I have dealt with this anticipated rejection...by hiding. Avoiding getting to know people, avoiding any real connection, trying to be invisible...while all the while...

 

HOPING Mr. Right...would SEE ME! and PURSUE me!

 

Haha, I know, what an oxymoron. Hiding, while hoping to be found. Wanting deep within my heart to know and be known...but hiding for fear of being rejected...for fear of being found wanting, not enough.

 

Ok, so let's bring it to the present...I was watching the Biggest Loser...a very inspiring show. But, let's face it, people get on the show because they are phyiscally in a drastic state of disrepair... Here was the beginning of my epiphony...most of these people had significant others... Now, don't judge me for confessing my next thought..."If these overweight people can have people who love them...why do I believe the lie that no one will love ME that way?"

 

To be honest, I am not quite sure the answer to that question. I have not been writing this so that people will feel sorry for me. Nor have I written this so that I will get some matchmaking help (although...nah) :-) No, I am writing because I want to quit hiding... I want this cycle of anticipating rejection to stop...I want to be free from this LIE once and for all...

 

Because, there is one more relatioship that this is effecting. It is the most important relationship of all...my relationship with God. For the past few years, I have often shared with confidants that I feel a certain sense of split personality when it comes to my spiritual life. I connect with God in a very real way whenever I am helping someone, when I am praying for people and ministering to them. But, when it's just me an Him, I feel MYSELF ( not Him) pulling away. Because no matter how much, I know the concept in my head...that God LOVES me...I still wrestle with feeling like I want to hide....feeling like intimacy with the One who knows me best...is impossible.

 

Somehow, I feel like being painfully honest and thinking out loud will help me get free. Let me clarify something...I love the Lord and I am certain that He loves me...but something is missing. Something is in between His heart and mine...something I am hiding behind... AND I'm not sure what it is... Plus, I know that I am not alone...I know others have felt this way before...or may be feeling it now...I want my journey to not hiding...to being vulnerable...to help you too!

 

So, this brings me to my thought about hidden love...if I love someone and hide it...it hurts worse than if I openly rebuke them. Who does it hurt? I don't want to hide anymore...I want to love with arms wide open... But for once, the girl with an answer for everything...is without one :-)

 

What about you? Are you anticipating rejection? Have you in the past? How do you stop anticipating...and starting being open?