Coming out of hiding...

I've been reading a book by Brennan Manning called, "Posers, Fakers & Wannabes"... So far (I'm not very far) I have more questions than answers. Recently, a dear friend responded to me, "welcome to seminary..." Manning talks about how we have a tendency to hide who we really are...we pretend to be something we're not...someone we wish we were ... Because we think people can't handle the "real" self. I've been saying I struggle with this for a long time and I decided to "unmask" a little bit...

Who is Rachel?
She is the oldest daughter of two very human, very passionate ministers. People who have interesting stories and who are all-around sacrificing, Jesus-loving people. Rachel was raised to love people...to love Jesus...to serve. Rachel is a lover of all things creative. She is a closet musician, not disciplined enough to play the piano publicly and not confident enough to call herself a singer. Rachel loves getting lost in good fiction, fiction that probably doesn't qualify as literature, but oh well. Rachel loves words... Any kind, any language (well, not necessarily dirty words). Rachel enjoys thinking (although she tends to OVER think everything!) ... She always thinks in metaphors and gets excited about the big picture. She day dreams of traveling... Walking through historic towns, listening to others' accented stories...basking in natural beauties: mountains, oceans, forests filled with giant trees.. Rachel has a vivid imagination. She tends to give inanimate objects personalities, voices & opinions. Rachel loves characters... Quirky people. Rachel enjoys listening and helping others understand life, love & other mysteries..especially where God is concerned. Rachel likes to try her hand at creative things like knitting, painting, cooking, decorating & pottery. She enjoys being with people (even when we just go to walmart, if we're together...I enjoy it. Rachel tends to talk a lot! She gets really excited and wants to share everything with someone willing to listen. Rachel loves taking care of people...seeing people grow, change & become. Rachel loves learning new things... Really! She likes to be right, rarely is wrong...and always tries to have the last word:-/ she hates arguing over stupid things...can't stand when people are being devalued or put down. Rachel longs for restoration of relationships & identity. Rachel loves surprises...mainly because it is so hard to surprise her. She's a hopeless romantic and she dreams of a man who will treasure her. Rachel tends to love fiercely and tends to love too much.... She tends to expect herself to be perfect, while all the while knowing, she is far from perfect. Rachel feels least comfortable with her peers ... But it seems that God keeps calling her to serve them. She tends to be extremely intimidated by leaders..to the point of ridiculousness. She avoids putting herself out there because at some level she fears being told go back to the kitchen or go get a husband and come back later... Rachel is a nurturer, a discipler...a spiritual mother. Rachel dreams of having a husband and lots of children...but shies away from anyone in whom she is truly interested...somehow believing he won't feel the same ... Rachel is a perfectionist yet a procrastinator. She's an idealist... She loves to laugh... She loves to dance... She has a deep longing to play a vital role in something bigger than herself... She loves tradition but hates when people do things out of tradition. She lives coziness...being at home curled up on the couch...Rachel loves holding babies and talking to middle school boys in all of their awkwardness. She loves to write and is a firm believer in journaling...it's strong medicine for a weary soul. She dreams of writing for a living, but can't seem to focus long enough to write anything. She has too many causes...she is passionate about justice or rather bringing justice to those who have been treated injustly. She is actually an introvert who loves being with people. Family means the world to her and she loves sharing her family with others.

Rachel has learned to live hidden away.
She rarely lets others into her heart or life beyond what she thinks is safe. She has learned to maximize her gift for administration to make a place for herself. She likes routine and order except she often fails to keep it in her personal life. Rachel does not like not winning and failure...at times, she avoids doing things she loves because she does not want to fail. Rachel is a leader who prefers to lead from backstage, but who will step up if no one else does. She often feels misunderstood, taken for granted and not taken seriously. But she's beginning to realize that may be an internal issue. Rachel is pretty complicated.

She is trying not to hide anymore. She doesn't like to hide. She wants to know & be known. She wants someone to hear her... She wants someone to want to listen...to want to be near her heart & not to be satisfied with her shell, what she shows when she's afraid:-)

Rachel knows God loves her...

A needle in a pile of needles...

So, I've been In Springfield for two months... Life has been good. If not overwhelming. New town. New home. New job. New church. New friends... I've been thrilled because I'm certain being right where I need to be... Over these past few weeks ice felt like I've been riding an emotional roller coaster. Sometimes... I just get tired of being the "new girl" everywhere I go. I've been telling myself that it will get better, and it has been slowly getting better. Who would have thought a girl go through culture shock just moving to Springfield? Sometimes I have found myself just wishing for something...someone familiar. Haha, at times I've rejoiced over wandering through Dillon's, a Kroger owned store chain, it has a hint of home in it... A friend of mine has been telling me to give myself grace...I'm really trying...really! Sometimes it would be nice to just get a good warm, familiar family/friend hug!!! No words, just someone elses strength.

On that note, I am really excited about the new community God is planting me in :-) 20twenty is unlike any church I've ever been privileged to be a part of... More on that later...

I've been reflecting ;-)when I was in college, I had a friend who compared our season of training together to being "a needle in a stack of needles" ... You see she was talking about coming from home where finding like-minded, talented leader types was like finding a needle in a haystack...she was unique, she stood out...everyone loved her, but at Southeastern she was just like everyone else...speared trying to lead a bunch of leaders. As our conversation continued, we discussed how sometimes leaders just need to learn to follow. Right now, I find myself back in that place ...being a leader with a lot of leaders. I'm trying to learn the art of leading myself, being myself ... While still being willing to humble myself and be led. Truth be told, i like following ... When i trust my leader (which i do, probably for the first time in my life) I'm trying to find my way to that place where I'm being true to the call of God and the leadership God has placed in my life. It's not always easy or comfortable, but it's exciting because I'm part of something bigger than myself...something I truly believe in... This is where I am supposed to be. This is the Body of Christ, no big I's & little you's...we all have roles to fill...the purpose is to find that role and To fill it with all your might...so here I go!

Community: My Mama told me...

"In order to have friends, one must show oneself friendly..." I know that's in the Bible somewhere...but to be honest, I'm not sure where it is at this moment?

I've lived my whole life trying to live by that principle. It seems simple enough... the unstated expectation is that being friendly should bring about long-lasting, life-giving friendship but...not so much! Honestly, I've found that when I genuinely offer my friendship to others, it is rare to have it reciprocated in kind. Especially within the Christian world, we're good at the initial expression... Maybe. But when it all boils down, it is awkward or uncomfortable to truly connect...we'd rather have 998 Facebook friends and tell 2345 followers on Twitter what we had for breakfast. I recently took a sabbatical from Facebook and it took most of my friends almost a month to notice! Community has become a cultural buzzword... One that I doubt this generation truly understands.

Loneliness is one of the most prevalent problems of our day...even though we are the most socially-networked people in history. What is community? What is the difference between a clique and community?

I think community requires much more from Us than what most people are willing to offer. It requires being present to people... Even when we things on our agenda...or when we feel uncomfortable...it is praying for & reaching out to someone outside of the social scene. Community is a commitment to accountability ... A willingness to receive criticism & correction, as well as to offer it when necessary. Community is inconvenient. Most of us are only cool with community when we choose it...thus can be seen in how we choose out churches, "it just doesn't 't have what I'm looking for...I wasn't getting fed..." it 's still about me...not about you...or God, for that matter...

But what happens when God calls an individual into a community? What happens when the "Golden Rule" of community doesn't work?What if people reject one's friendliness or at least do not reciprocate it? How does someone continue to be in community? Community is awkward. I wish I knees how to get people to take interest beyond the surface?

Whatever happened to...be a father to the fatherless & husband to the widow? just sayin'.

My heart is SO full... Jesus is incredible! I don't know if you've ever experienced the love of God in a tangible way...I have. It is a daily occurrence. For many Years I have "served" the Lord. But God's love is deep...my relationship is so much more than servanthood and even friendship...it is a romance.

It is the subtle glances,the sweet unexpected stolen moments, the whispers of love and gentle caresses that keep love alive. And then every so often, there are the moments to revel in...the moments that go in one's journal...the moments that overwhelm your senses leaving you breathless...your mind racing...in those moments, your heart snaps a photograph... You will always cling to that moment as precious...

Love can become familiar and routine...and that is dangerous. Loving someone is as much about the daily things as the grand gestures...the roles we play in one another's lives. Protection. Comfort. Nurture. Provision. Those roles are a faithful expression...a daily statement of "I love you. I am yours and you are mine." As humans, we tend to settle into the dailyness of loving each other practically and forget about the romance...

Walking with Jesus can become like that...loving Him can be more about what we do than about being together...listening to each other...being near each other...

So whenever a moment comes along to revel in the romance...it deepens the daily. I love to experience that romance :-) it is heavenly (no pun intended) I recently had a precious encounter with Jesus... So unexpected and sweet. If you've never known God's love...NOTHING compares to it... I pray that you will go after Jesus, actually, take time to listen...he is pursuing you, whether you know it or not. Let Him love you...respond to His great love! It will mess you up...

The "God's Will Game" is No Game :-)

So ... I have been going through a major shift in plans! There has been so much uncertainty along the way... I wanted to wait to spill the beans until I knew everything was definite. I am mostly packed and I an planning to move in the morning so I think it is safe to share now :-)

I am no longer moving to CA to go to Fuller, I am heading to Springfield, MO to attend the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary! It's funny how God brings us full circle with ourselves and His plans. I am of the the notion that God has a perfect and permissive will. Whe we live our lives God-ward...our hearts and minds focused on pleasing Him, He leads us. However, as I have experienced, there are occasional forks in the road where it seems like I ask God, "which way now?" and He says,"which do you want to go, daughter?"of course, God's will is one of those deep theological topics that none of us are ever quite sure of. There have been a few places in my life like thar so far...almost like Father God says,"Rachel, I AM with you...I AM leading you...choose a direction, either way you choose, My Will us going to be accomplished."

Now don't write a doctrinal statement on my life experience...but here is where the mystery takes place...Proverbs 16:9 says, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." it is almost like our Father enjoys letting us choose the adventure We ant and then He holds our hand and tweaks the journey as we go. When I was a little girl, I dreamed of attending a certain school, Evangel University. I was going to major in Spanish Ed, meet and marry a missionary ...we would have 4 kids and change the world! :-) the problem was that when choosing a college, I visited said school and felt zero peace about it. Instead, the Lord led me to Southeastern. I did not study Spanish Ed... I tried Education ... But ended up studying missions. There were several springs in my time there, but no rings :-) I had it in mind to hit the map and to start blazing a trail through all of the nations in my heart ...but God. He stopped me just before graduation and said ... "Will you return to KY (home)?" after saying no three times,I went home. After choosing KY, I also felt a leading to get my M. Div at AGTS but ... That required living in "Misery" and I was called to KY ... So that was a no-go :-) fast forward 5+ years...getting licensed and ordained with the KY Ministry Network...a 2 year urban youth pastor position, a maternity home season, a couple times with Teen Challenge...a season of church revitalization attempts... Working with an awesome church plant that is focused on reaching MY generation... Meeting a slew of amazing, unique and completely raw friends...applying to and being accepted at Asbury, Xavier & Fuller ...

Now here I am...a couple of months ago, in the midst of my striving to move to Pasadena, I felt the Lord take my hand and say, "wait, slow down...I showed you where to go a long tine ago." So, I started re-applying to AGTS. That's when things started moving pretty fast. I spent last week in Springfield...and it was the opposite of misery...it felt like that place called "there" that I've been searching for ... Long story short... When God is in it, He provides...in the last three hours of the last day in Springfield, I was hired to work for a Great organization and got a cute little apartment... I have packed my car and mom's as tight as they can be and tomorrow we launch out for Springfield!!

Something else pretty cool...God is into details :-) there is a major consolidation process taking place with three schools in Springfield, including AGTS, if all goes as is expected... I will probably be graduating from Evangel after all :-)

My heart is full... I have so much to share... I will just have to get back into the swing of posting on here!

I WANT THE CROSS!

Every year when Easter comes, I think about the cross...if I can make it through the Passion of the Christ, I try to spend time reflecting on what Jesus did at the cross...

The other day I thought about something...
Jesus died so that He could be raised from the dead.
COOL!

Wait, hold on, He died for my sins? The wages of sin is death, right?
So, Jesus died so that I wouldn't have to die...right?
But everyone still dies...
Ok, Rachel, really? What about John 3:16? It says that anyone who believes in Him will not perish (die) but have ETERNAL life..
Very Metaphysical...

What about this...?
"Then he said to the crowd, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross daily, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." Luke 9:23-24


And, this...
"For God's way of making us right with himself depends on faith. I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death, so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!" Phil. 3:9-11


It seems that about every 6 hours over the past few weeks I have been hearing these two verses. And I must admit that I often wrestle with how they are worked out in my life...

Jesus loves me, THIS I know.
Jesus died on the cross for my sins.
Jesus died so that He could be raised from the dead...in power!
Jesus died so that I could live...but...
Jesus died so that I could die?
Jesus was raised from the dead...so that I could be raised from the dead...

WAIT, I'm dead? How am I dead...I'm writing this blog...
 "For the message of the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God." 1 Corinthian 1:18

Let me work through my thoughts...

• Jesus died to the POWER of sin (ultimate death, separation from God, immorality) ...
• His resurrection showed that JESUS IS MORE POWERFUL THAN SIN!
• When, I accept Jesus as my LORD, I have to die to my sinful nature...
• I, in essence, lose my own personal sovereignty and give Him control...
• In return for my "death" to sin, Jesus gives me the same POWER OVER SIN!!
• The SAME power that RAISED CHRIST from the dead...
• DWELLS...resides and has AUTHORITY...in ME...and you (if Jesus is your Lord)

COOL! (for lack of a better word)

 

 So, I have to choose to walk in submission to the authority of Jesus Christ...

That is the key to victory...

I have to be so..."into who HE IS, that I step away from who I am..."

(thank you, Steve Axtell)

 

I find myself in a crux...I know what I am to do...but I am SO quick to forget...

 

How do I deny myself, take up my cross and follow Jesus daily?

What does that look like?

 

My prayer must become...I WANT THE CROSS... I want to live in the victory of death to sin... I must choose to EMBRACE Christ's deliberate decision to lay His life down...and lay mine down... in meekness (controlled power)...submission to the greater Authority ... Christ in me...my HOPE

• I must serve instead of looking to be served
• I must deny my need to be "right"
• I must deny my "right" to be heard or get even
• I must choose to stand firm on TRUTH not on societal norms
• I must be willing to be a peacemaker even when I'm the brunt of the attack
• I must be willing to prefer my brother/sister even when they despise me
• I must be willing to suffer for the sake of being right before God...rather than men...even when those men are my brothers...
• I must be willing to walk by faith, not by sight...
• I must be willing to become less so that Jesus and His LOVE may be put on display and become more!

 

...I WANT THE CROSS! Oh that each day would be lived out embracing a lifestyle of submission to His authority... Teach me, Jesus...help me walk this out...

Why Do We Hide?

Genesis 3:1-10 (The Message)


The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"

The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"

The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."

When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.

Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.

When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.

God called to the Man: "Where are you?"

He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid."

So I read this passage this weekend and something struck me. I have read this story probably a couple hundred times and discussed many more times. However, I never thought about this fact...

Prior to eating the fruit from the tree of good & evil, God saw Adam and Eve as they were...but Adam and Eve saw themselves as God viewed them...as His children. In the instant that it took to crunch into that apple (or whatever kind of fruit it was), they saw themselves...as un-God-like...They realized the vastness of God...they realized how BIG He is versus how small they were... I think that "naked" must be both literal and spiritual here. In their nakedness, they saw their human-ness. They recognized that they were no longer immortal, but finite...while God is infinite.

Perhaps, as we look at this passage and we consider our need to hide...the fact that we often run from God...we see that we are much like Adam and Eve. Deep within our soul, we know that God is separate...He is holy...there is an other-worldliness to Him...

Anyone who knows me well, knows that I have a special love for the Chronicles of Narnia. I love the mystery, the whisper that we were created for another world... I envision that Adam and Eve walked through the Garden of Eden in the cool of the day, just as Lucy and Susan walked with Aslan. Their was a deep companionship, an understanding of the authority Aslan had given to them alone...no other creature was as priviledged as the sons of Adam and the daughters of Eve.... no other creature was as priviledges as Adam and Eve...they walked with God...they saw His Face, His Voice was the most familiar Voice. And in the instant of recognizing their nakedness...they suddenly understood all that they had lost... Intimacy with Creator God...

Why do we hide? Because we see our own nakedness, our own sense of insignificance...we recognize our shortcomings and our inability to be whole in our own selves... and we look for ways to cover up...to hide...in hopes that God will not see us...will not see our lack.

But we forget, we fail to recognize...God has always seen us as naked...and yet He loved us. Just like a father who holds his infant for the first time...suddenly he realizes the power that he has to either protect or harm his little one...there is an intrinsic love that washes over a father and a mother...they recognize their world is not just about themselves anymore...God loves us more than that...