Somersaults and Seeds

All day my stomach has been doing somersaults...my hands have been shaky...my mind has been racing... and I've been trying to figure out why? I think it is because reality of the upcoming changes is beginning to set in.

When I came to Lexington, I expected to be here longer. I did not foresee myself packing up and leaving Hannah's House within less than a year. I have been fully investing my heart and soul into this ministry... full throttle...non-stop.... I want to see fruit! I've been plowing and planting... praying and praying... I'm just starting to see the breakthrough.

I told some friends that I feel like a foster parent who takes in a broken child and begins the process of restoration and healing...loves on that baby and cares for her...and then has to give the baby back to her parents...

A little over a year ago, I had a dream. In that dream, I was feverishly digging holes and planting gargantuan seeds. (In my mind, I knew I was planting trees, even though it didn't make sense). I filled the entire field with these seeds... then I went and I sat in a lawn chair on the side of the field, waiting for the shoots of green... I'd occasionally go out and water the seeds...still no green. At the end of my dream, I heard what I believe was the voice of God saying..."Some plant, some water and some harvest...but God brings the increase." Then I woke up...I knew that dream had significance...I prayed for a couple months over it...and didn't know what to make of it.

Right now, I feel like I'm sitting on the edge that field...waiting to see green...and I don't get to see it! It's funny because as I reflect over my life in ministry thus far, God has always removed me from the picture before the seeds I've planted have been ready to harvest.

Today, at church (another place to which I felt equally called), I had to say goodbye to several people that I've grown to love. One person blessed me so much with a gift, but more than the gift, it was the heart behind it that sent me for a loop...it was someone I never really had the chance to even get to know the way I wanted to. That is how I feel, period, about all of it.

I know I am headed toward what God has for me in my future...but I feel like everything here came to a such a sudden, halting stop... Part of me in not ready to go....to start over...to be the "new girl" again...to leave family and friends. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. That is it...fear of letting go...fear of the unknown...fear of being alone...

And yet, all of this is a piece of the puzzle...I have to give it to God and trust that He has a place for it in His Master Plan...I cannot allow myself to fear... trust means knowing that God has me in His hands...

No comments:

Post a Comment

I'd love to hear from you! What are your thoughts?