Somersaults and Seeds

All day my stomach has been doing somersaults...my hands have been shaky...my mind has been racing... and I've been trying to figure out why? I think it is because reality of the upcoming changes is beginning to set in.

When I came to Lexington, I expected to be here longer. I did not foresee myself packing up and leaving Hannah's House within less than a year. I have been fully investing my heart and soul into this ministry... full throttle...non-stop.... I want to see fruit! I've been plowing and planting... praying and praying... I'm just starting to see the breakthrough.

I told some friends that I feel like a foster parent who takes in a broken child and begins the process of restoration and healing...loves on that baby and cares for her...and then has to give the baby back to her parents...

A little over a year ago, I had a dream. In that dream, I was feverishly digging holes and planting gargantuan seeds. (In my mind, I knew I was planting trees, even though it didn't make sense). I filled the entire field with these seeds... then I went and I sat in a lawn chair on the side of the field, waiting for the shoots of green... I'd occasionally go out and water the seeds...still no green. At the end of my dream, I heard what I believe was the voice of God saying..."Some plant, some water and some harvest...but God brings the increase." Then I woke up...I knew that dream had significance...I prayed for a couple months over it...and didn't know what to make of it.


Right now, I feel like I'm sitting on the edge that field...waiting to see green...and I don't get to see it! It's funny because as I reflect over my life in ministry thus far, God has always removed me from the picture before the seeds I've planted have been ready to harvest.

Today, at church (another place to which I felt equally called), I had to say goodbye to several people that I've grown to love. One person blessed me so much with a gift, but more than the gift, it was the heart behind it that sent me for a loop...it was someone I never really had the chance to even get to know the way I wanted to. That is how I feel, period, about all of it.

I know I am headed toward what God has for me in my future...but I feel like everything here came to a such a sudden, halting stop... Part of me in not ready to go....to start over...to be the "new girl" again...to leave family and friends. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. That is it...fear of letting go...fear of the unknown...fear of being alone...

And yet, all of this is a piece of the puzzle...I have to give it to God and trust that He has a place for it in His Master Plan...I cannot allow myself to fear... trust means knowing that God has me in His hands...

tran·si·tion

Definition of TRANSITION
1: a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change
b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
2: a: a musical modulation
b: a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another
3: an abrupt change in energy state or level (as of an atomic nucleus or a molecule) usually accompanied by loss or gain of a single quantum of energy

Right now, my life is in a transition. For someone who is never short on words, I'm really struggling...so I'll just get to the point.

I am resigning from Hannah's House as of February 15, 2011.

I've been waiting until all of the proper people had been notified before I made it "public." Letting go ... is tough...much tougher than I thought! I love these ladies and I believe in the work that God is doing here. I've invested almost a year of my life into this ministry and it's hard to release it to the Lord. Even so, I have God's peace in my heart.

I am leaving because...

I am planning a HUGE move this summer/fall to Pasadena, CA...
I will begin studying my Masters of Divinity at Fuller Theological Seminary!

This is something I've been praying about for a LONG time...for the past five years or more. One of my life goals is to teach at the college level, I'm beginning to recognize my passion for teaching. I'm excited about the diversity of Pasadena/Los Angeles. I'm also excited because Fuller offers a few very unique concentrations that will prepare me to minister to women & children in crisis, recovery and poverty. Fuller is very focused on equipping and sending people to where they're called.

Have you ever noticed that transition...in music...usually includes a change in rhythm & key? A lot of times, at first, the transition can throw you off a little until you can pick up the change... Well. since making my decision, life has been bittersweet...lots of letting go. Emotions run rampant during transition...This new adventure is pretty daunting...it's a big new city, with lots of unknown details. But even in the fear of the unknown...I am sure of one thing...God is leading me. I have peace in that ... I'm taking it one step at a time and walking in obedience...

In the past few weeks, I've had so much affirmation & confirmation from the Lord. Last night, I was reading Mark Batterson's "Wild Goose Chase" and he said a few things that struck me...

"When God wants us to experience a change in perspective, He often does it via a change in scenery."

"Where you are geographically affects where you are spiritually."

"Change of Place + Change of Pace = Change of Perspective"

I really believe that God wants me in Pasadena/L.A. to teach me some specific things.

So, one week from yesterday I am moving out of the center and back to NKY to live with my parents. My main objectives: work, save & prepare...and rest. I am spent right now. I need to talk less and listen more. I will still be in Kentucky for several months and I plan to return, Lord-willing. I do not believe my work here is finished...there are still God-dreams in my heart for KY.

I ask for your prayers as I transition (once again) ...

a glimpse into the complex road to healing

i'm sitting in my office listening to the girls downstairs on free time. they're listening to a cd and belting it out loud! they crack me up! God has brought such a wonderful group of ladies into the house lately...He is doing so much in their hearts. they are like sponges...so hungry for the Lord and open to what He's doing in them. they have teachable spirits...

lately, i've felt overwhelmed, but it's been the little things that make me smile :-)

this is part of living in the moment that God has you in...soaking up moments of pure joy and laughing...that's something else i love about these ladies, they're always laughing! always...sometimes at inappropriate moments...but i say, laughter is better than tears...only thing better is laughing so hard that it brings you to tears :-)

this is what the road to healing looks like...

same message, just a change of tone... :-)

so...my last blog entry from yesterday was rather...blah. my apologies to anyone who read it before i chose to get rid of it...that was a very raw, personal moment...in fact, i am still wrestling with the same feelings but i've decided, you all (if you actually exist) do not need to be exposed to my rambling discontented confusion.

that being said, i ask for prayer. my heart is not at peace, at all. i am here, but i lsck the passion and motivation to continue serving in this season of life unless several things do not change rapidly.

i very much need a sabatical from giving...i need to listen more and talk less...i need to rest...i need space...i need to hear from Jesus! somehow i have managed to empty myself of anything worth giving and i just need to be refilled and in the process find a way to maintain my "fullness" when i begin giving again...that may not make any sense to anyone else but me...it's ok, it's my blog ;-)

my mom keeps telling me that "the will of God leaves peace in your heart...no matter the circumstances..." so i am asking God, where is the peace? where do i find it? i know that i have one direction in which my heart is being pulled and i only lack peace because i cannot forsee a transition from this place to the new place...however, i am beginning to sense a little bit of what that transition will look like.

please pray that i do find the right path for my feet. in all of this, i know that i want to serve God...i want to not only plow fields and plant seeds, i want to water and harvest!! i want to be a rested individual. i want my life to be life-giving simply because i have been with Jesus...that is not currently happening.

much love,
rachel

...to be real and transparent-always content

Wow! I was reading over my last post and came across this statement in the midst of my list of life goals. I find it completely crazy that when I wrote this list some two months ago, I was hedging on discontentment, and only the people who love me most would have known. But shortly after that post, my life nose-dived into a sea of discontent!

The past month or so everywhere I turn, I keep being reminded of this one concept... Paul says it in Philippians 4...the secret to being content is to remember that "...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have quoted that verse my entire life. I have even criticized myself and others for taking it out of context! But, as of late, the true meaning has begun to bear fruit. Paul says:

Philippians 4:11-13 (Amplified Bible)

¹¹Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be ^a]">[a] content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.

¹²I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

¹³I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who ^b]">[b]infuses inner strength into me; I am ^c]">[c]self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

I have found myself hiding in self-pity and longing for...the next big thing! Every time I have started to get frustrated, the Lord has reminded me...through music, license plates, radio programs, secular tv shows, little children, etc... My Contentment comes from knowing Christ!

Ephesians 1:3-5
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.
Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us to be faultless in his eyes.
God decided in advance to adopt us into His very own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted, and it gave in great pleasure."

Selah.
Stop and think about it.

God has given me every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms?? What does that mean? I don't even know. I am supposed to sit down in my position next to Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reveal to me all that God has given me.... BEFORE I walk out my faith. So often I try to walk out my faith and get tired, weary, frustrated...DISCONTENT...because I still haven't discovered, it is Christ Who has accomplished all of this...FOR ME!

Lord, help me to be real...transparent...and ALWAYS content.

What I really want...

Why do we have to make life so complicated? I've always done life according to what is the right thing to do...I have rarely said what I really mean. Not that I'm lying, I tell people what I think...but I rarely let people into the heart of the real "Rachel"...I'm not exactly sure why, but I have a sneaky, suspicious feeling it's because somewhere deep down I believe that people don't really want to know or that they won't be able to handle the simplicity of what I want or who I am. This is absurd because it really is no different than anything that anyone else wants.

I want...
...to marry my best friend
...to be married for at least 50 years
...to have 4 biological children
...to adopt 4 more (hopefully internationally)
...to own a couple golden retrievers
...to live a life worth imitating...healthy marriage/family relationships
...to make my home a safe haven for my children, a place of rest for my husband & myself
...to raise my children to be spiritual oaks trees
...to be able to take good care of my parents as they age
...to pay for my parents to take a trip to Australia

...to own a cabin in the woods
...to own a home and some land in Ireland
...to be financially independent & debt free by 50
...to have enough money to fund lots of Kingdom work, to take care of my loved ones but to live a contented simple life.
...to live for a season in Oregon, California, Colorado & Turkey (as well as an Asian country)

...to be a discipler
...to be a worshiper
...to be an intercessor
...to be real and transparent-always content
...to LIVE in the awareness of God's Presence
...to see someone healed as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)
...to see someone delivered from demonic oppression as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)
...to see someone raised from the dead as a result of prayer (hopefully all the time)

...to intentionally and successfully mentor 100 influential women over the course of my lifetime
...to obtain a Ph.D (of course, after I obtain a Masters degree)
...to write books for a living
...to speak/understand Spanish, Arabic, Hebrew, Greek, Turkish & Gaelic
...to teach at the college level
...to climb a mountain
...to plant an orchard
...to run a 5K and then a 10K
...to cultivate an orchid
...to learn to garden

...to visit Dubai
...to visit St. Petersburg, Russia
...to visit Cypress
...to retrace on of Paul's missionary journeys
...to tour Europe
...to tour the Holy Land and be baptized in the Jordan River
...to ride in a gondola in Venice
...to take each of my children on a coming of age trip
...to take one family trip around the country in a camper

... I want to ENJOY my life...to have no regrets...to KNOW this is how I was created to LIVE...

(these are the things I thought were even believable...the rest, are between me & Jesus...)

As I evaluate my life, I feel like I have been striving...striving for some intangible goal...and it all has taken me away from my true heart...to be a wife, a mother, a writer, a mentor, a teacher...someone who lives a full, adventurous, peaceful life...someone who leave a true legacy...a carbon footprint that points to Jesus and the Kingdom of God...

Hello...Goodbye.

Tonight, for the first time since I began at Hannah's House, I cooked for everyone-white bean chicken chili & homemade banana bread-comfort foods! This a rarely practiced but deeply enjoyed hobby. Then we watched one of my all-time favorite movies, "Anne of Green Gables!" It's always fun to introduce a new group of ladies to Anne, Diana & Gilbert, Marilla & Matthew... and Rachel Lynd... Every time is like being with old friends. I still giggle at the drama and cry at the breath-taking, unsuspected moments that are common to life. As I was nestled in my arm chair, wrapped in an old college hoodie, I felt something rush over me... joy over life and all of it's simple pleasures...

Lately, I've been "re-connecting" with myself. Sometimes this ministry can dehumanize one so much. I can become so accustomed to taking care of the needs of others that I lose my identity, my sense of joy in the simple things. I tend to just go through the motions, nonstop moving, no true rest. I took a few days to visit with my parents this weekend, which really helped! When I was home, I started reading through an old journal from my senior year in high school, it took me back :-) As I perused over the crushes from almost a decade ago, the hopes and dreams, the failures and insecurities, I couldn't help but notice...not much has changed...maybe the circumstances...the location, the relationship, the role or position, but I'm still Rachel... a woman always looking on to the next great occasion, hoping to leave an impact, believing with every idealistic fiber of my being that all things work together for the good of those who love God and who are called according to His purpose... This is a truth that the world would love to snuff out of my heart, but I'm finding it to be true more every day that I live.

My journals reveal that I'm a hopeless romantic, always hoping for someone who will be just as invested in the dreams in my heart as I am. It's almost comical as I see the cycle of disappointment repeat itself over and over again, each time I tell myself, "I won't do that again..." or "I'm older and wiser..." or "Next time..." haha.

There was a time when I would have been keenly disappointed in myself over such a reminder-that I'm not really learning from my mistakes; but instead, only graduating to new circumstances... However, now I look and I see that it is in these moments that I meet myself coming & going....and God has an opportunity to show me Himself...and instill with me a new courage. Recognizing my own pattern of humanness reminds me of how much I need Jesus, how much my strength truly comes from the Holy Spirit dwelling inside, transforming me one experience at a time.

Watching "Anne" tonight, something crossed my mind. We spend our lives saying "Hello" & "Goodbye." Relationships always start with "hello." And, depending upon the impact of the "hello" and the significance of that person's investment in our lives, "goodbye" comes in time. These greetings are all unique. If our relationship has any kind of real meaning, we usually remember one greeting more than another. "Hello"s are usually more fun... if we remember a "goodbye" more than a "hello" it usually is a reflection of relational unhealthiness... I don't know. Ha! I'm rambling... But think about it...most often we can remember how we met someone. Saying goodbye to a dear friend or loved one is usually an embrace, a moment of cherishing each other...until the next time we say hello. But goodbye to someone with whom we are either angry, or by whom we've been hurt, usually leaves a wake of unresolved emotion...memories that are replayed over and over... they are the last and sometimes only memories we have of an individual. Whether we like it or not, we have to say hello and have to say goodbye...but it's up to us what we remember and how we replay that memory.

I'm not quite sure where I'm going with all of that...but take it to heart...I'd appreciate insight.