I have a problem...

"Hello, my name is Rachel Leonard and I am addicted to books..."

"Hi, Rachel...." (imagine a chorus of people that sound like Eeyore)

(Ok, in case you're not laughing ... you should be!! The last year of has ruined my humor!)

No, seriously, people...I LOVE books! And I think that I have a problem. (That's good, they say that the first step is to admit you have a problem...I'm getting there :-) I like to buy books, borrow books from libraries, borrow books from friends...

I am also a chronic multi-book reader...meaning I am reading about 10 books right now...in fact, I was SO proud to have finished one the other day...guess, how long I was reading that one? Come on, give it a go... alright...it took me about a year (granted, I didn't start until about 8 months after receiving it as a gift because I was in denial over needing to read it...a great book on singleness!)

I realized the other day that the first thing I do when I move to a new community is find the public library...I have a library card on my key chain from 5 years ago (I interned in southeast KY for 2 months and spent all of my free-time at the library!)

So, um, right now I'm avoiding a mess in the basement...totally and completely MY mess...
I am trying to squeeze 26+ years of life into a tiny bedroom ...and it is becoming a little overwhelming! The other day I realized that I have moved 4 times since May 2009! And, well, I'm not done yet for this year!! However, I've decided I need to get my stuff in some decent organized order...even if it is only for six months or less.

One discovery that I have been making in the process of this mess...ehem, drumroll please!

Most of my belongings have great similarity... they all have hundreds of pages, tiny print and are bound together in various forms of colors and pictures...we like to call these things books! Oh...I just love them! Until, I have to pack and unpack them :-)

I asked myself a good rhetorical question today...

"Why do I love books so much?"
"Good question, Rachel."
(Yes, I did just talk to myself and respond...)

Well, I'm not sure of the answer. I do know that I usually like to read to understand something better....a people group, a world situation, God's Word, myself... or to just escape from life for a while... I literally have entire sections to my collection...Bibles, Hermeneutics (big word for studying scripture), Leadership, Missions, Church Growth, Counseling, Youth, Young Adults, Women's Issues, Addiction, Marriage, Dating, Literature, Christian Fiction...

Each section contains an insight...I like to read and I like to understand...and then I like to share! One of my dreams since I was a little girl has been to have a room in my house completely devoted to books, it will have shelves full of books...cozy couches, a fireplace and snuggly blankets...and to top it off a ladder that will slide down the wall (partly because I'm short and partly because Belle in Beauty & the Beast always made it look so fun!)

Welcome to the random mind of Rachel :-) So, to the answer the question...I'm not sure? haha...but I should probably get back to organizing all the books I already have...in my basement bedroom!

PS I found this awesome picture...another dream of mine to have a house where I can plant a tree in the middle and it will grow super tall right through the roof... what a GREAT combo ...well, at least in theory :-)

Beni Johnson - The Secret Place

This is what this next season is about for me...restoring the Secret Place. Today, I close the door on an intense season of giving and open a door to a season of resting and listening and re-learning the art of Practicing the Presence... this is what I've been missing...feeling God's Presence and hearing His Voice. It is my desire to know God intimately and to make Him known...that the nations would know of His GREAT LOVE! But, it starts right here... :-)

Somersaults and Seeds

All day my stomach has been doing somersaults...my hands have been shaky...my mind has been racing... and I've been trying to figure out why? I think it is because reality of the upcoming changes is beginning to set in.

When I came to Lexington, I expected to be here longer. I did not foresee myself packing up and leaving Hannah's House within less than a year. I have been fully investing my heart and soul into this ministry... full throttle...non-stop.... I want to see fruit! I've been plowing and planting... praying and praying... I'm just starting to see the breakthrough.

I told some friends that I feel like a foster parent who takes in a broken child and begins the process of restoration and healing...loves on that baby and cares for her...and then has to give the baby back to her parents...

A little over a year ago, I had a dream. In that dream, I was feverishly digging holes and planting gargantuan seeds. (In my mind, I knew I was planting trees, even though it didn't make sense). I filled the entire field with these seeds... then I went and I sat in a lawn chair on the side of the field, waiting for the shoots of green... I'd occasionally go out and water the seeds...still no green. At the end of my dream, I heard what I believe was the voice of God saying..."Some plant, some water and some harvest...but God brings the increase." Then I woke up...I knew that dream had significance...I prayed for a couple months over it...and didn't know what to make of it.


Right now, I feel like I'm sitting on the edge that field...waiting to see green...and I don't get to see it! It's funny because as I reflect over my life in ministry thus far, God has always removed me from the picture before the seeds I've planted have been ready to harvest.

Today, at church (another place to which I felt equally called), I had to say goodbye to several people that I've grown to love. One person blessed me so much with a gift, but more than the gift, it was the heart behind it that sent me for a loop...it was someone I never really had the chance to even get to know the way I wanted to. That is how I feel, period, about all of it.

I know I am headed toward what God has for me in my future...but I feel like everything here came to a such a sudden, halting stop... Part of me in not ready to go....to start over...to be the "new girl" again...to leave family and friends. Fear. False Evidence Appearing Real. That is it...fear of letting go...fear of the unknown...fear of being alone...

And yet, all of this is a piece of the puzzle...I have to give it to God and trust that He has a place for it in His Master Plan...I cannot allow myself to fear... trust means knowing that God has me in His hands...

tran·si·tion

Definition of TRANSITION
1: a: passage from one state, stage, subject, or place to another : change
b: a movement, development, or evolution from one form, stage, or style to another
2: a: a musical modulation
b: a musical passage leading from one section of a piece to another
3: an abrupt change in energy state or level (as of an atomic nucleus or a molecule) usually accompanied by loss or gain of a single quantum of energy

Right now, my life is in a transition. For someone who is never short on words, I'm really struggling...so I'll just get to the point.

I am resigning from Hannah's House as of February 15, 2011.

I've been waiting until all of the proper people had been notified before I made it "public." Letting go ... is tough...much tougher than I thought! I love these ladies and I believe in the work that God is doing here. I've invested almost a year of my life into this ministry and it's hard to release it to the Lord. Even so, I have God's peace in my heart.

I am leaving because...

I am planning a HUGE move this summer/fall to Pasadena, CA...
I will begin studying my Masters of Divinity at Fuller Theological Seminary!

This is something I've been praying about for a LONG time...for the past five years or more. One of my life goals is to teach at the college level, I'm beginning to recognize my passion for teaching. I'm excited about the diversity of Pasadena/Los Angeles. I'm also excited because Fuller offers a few very unique concentrations that will prepare me to minister to women & children in crisis, recovery and poverty. Fuller is very focused on equipping and sending people to where they're called.

Have you ever noticed that transition...in music...usually includes a change in rhythm & key? A lot of times, at first, the transition can throw you off a little until you can pick up the change... Well. since making my decision, life has been bittersweet...lots of letting go. Emotions run rampant during transition...This new adventure is pretty daunting...it's a big new city, with lots of unknown details. But even in the fear of the unknown...I am sure of one thing...God is leading me. I have peace in that ... I'm taking it one step at a time and walking in obedience...

In the past few weeks, I've had so much affirmation & confirmation from the Lord. Last night, I was reading Mark Batterson's "Wild Goose Chase" and he said a few things that struck me...

"When God wants us to experience a change in perspective, He often does it via a change in scenery."

"Where you are geographically affects where you are spiritually."

"Change of Place + Change of Pace = Change of Perspective"

I really believe that God wants me in Pasadena/L.A. to teach me some specific things.

So, one week from yesterday I am moving out of the center and back to NKY to live with my parents. My main objectives: work, save & prepare...and rest. I am spent right now. I need to talk less and listen more. I will still be in Kentucky for several months and I plan to return, Lord-willing. I do not believe my work here is finished...there are still God-dreams in my heart for KY.

I ask for your prayers as I transition (once again) ...

a glimpse into the complex road to healing

i'm sitting in my office listening to the girls downstairs on free time. they're listening to a cd and belting it out loud! they crack me up! God has brought such a wonderful group of ladies into the house lately...He is doing so much in their hearts. they are like sponges...so hungry for the Lord and open to what He's doing in them. they have teachable spirits...

lately, i've felt overwhelmed, but it's been the little things that make me smile :-)

this is part of living in the moment that God has you in...soaking up moments of pure joy and laughing...that's something else i love about these ladies, they're always laughing! always...sometimes at inappropriate moments...but i say, laughter is better than tears...only thing better is laughing so hard that it brings you to tears :-)

this is what the road to healing looks like...

same message, just a change of tone... :-)

so...my last blog entry from yesterday was rather...blah. my apologies to anyone who read it before i chose to get rid of it...that was a very raw, personal moment...in fact, i am still wrestling with the same feelings but i've decided, you all (if you actually exist) do not need to be exposed to my rambling discontented confusion.

that being said, i ask for prayer. my heart is not at peace, at all. i am here, but i lsck the passion and motivation to continue serving in this season of life unless several things do not change rapidly.

i very much need a sabatical from giving...i need to listen more and talk less...i need to rest...i need space...i need to hear from Jesus! somehow i have managed to empty myself of anything worth giving and i just need to be refilled and in the process find a way to maintain my "fullness" when i begin giving again...that may not make any sense to anyone else but me...it's ok, it's my blog ;-)

my mom keeps telling me that "the will of God leaves peace in your heart...no matter the circumstances..." so i am asking God, where is the peace? where do i find it? i know that i have one direction in which my heart is being pulled and i only lack peace because i cannot forsee a transition from this place to the new place...however, i am beginning to sense a little bit of what that transition will look like.

please pray that i do find the right path for my feet. in all of this, i know that i want to serve God...i want to not only plow fields and plant seeds, i want to water and harvest!! i want to be a rested individual. i want my life to be life-giving simply because i have been with Jesus...that is not currently happening.

much love,
rachel

...to be real and transparent-always content

Wow! I was reading over my last post and came across this statement in the midst of my list of life goals. I find it completely crazy that when I wrote this list some two months ago, I was hedging on discontentment, and only the people who love me most would have known. But shortly after that post, my life nose-dived into a sea of discontent!

The past month or so everywhere I turn, I keep being reminded of this one concept... Paul says it in Philippians 4...the secret to being content is to remember that "...I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I have quoted that verse my entire life. I have even criticized myself and others for taking it out of context! But, as of late, the true meaning has begun to bear fruit. Paul says:

Philippians 4:11-13 (Amplified Bible)

¹¹Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be ^a]">[a] content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am.

¹²I know how to be abased and live humbly in straitened circumstances, and I know also how to enjoy plenty and live in abundance. I have learned in any and all circumstances the secret of facing every situation, whether well-fed or going hungry, having a sufficiency and enough to spare or going without and being in want.

¹³I have strength for all things in Christ Who empowers me [I am ready for anything and equal to anything through Him Who ^b]">[b]infuses inner strength into me; I am ^c]">[c]self-sufficient in Christ's sufficiency].

I have found myself hiding in self-pity and longing for...the next big thing! Every time I have started to get frustrated, the Lord has reminded me...through music, license plates, radio programs, secular tv shows, little children, etc... My Contentment comes from knowing Christ!

Ephesians 1:3-5
"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ.
Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us to be faultless in his eyes.
God decided in advance to adopt us into His very own family by bringing us to Himself through Jesus Christ. This is what He wanted, and it gave in great pleasure."

Selah.
Stop and think about it.

God has given me every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms?? What does that mean? I don't even know. I am supposed to sit down in my position next to Jesus and let the Holy Spirit reveal to me all that God has given me.... BEFORE I walk out my faith. So often I try to walk out my faith and get tired, weary, frustrated...DISCONTENT...because I still haven't discovered, it is Christ Who has accomplished all of this...FOR ME!

Lord, help me to be real...transparent...and ALWAYS content.